Thoughts on Food, Drink and Dieting
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. – Woody Allen
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. - Nancy Astor
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. – Dave Barry
Never accept a drink from a urologist. - Erma Bombeck
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had? – Unknown
Men are strange. When they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have these recipes. – Elayne Boosler
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. – Peter Kay
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. – Unknown
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. - Rodney Dangerfield
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. – Dave Barry
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? – Peter Kay
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying – Fran Lebowitz
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. – Unknown
My favorite animal is steak. – Fran Lebowitz
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Steven Wright
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. - Martin Mull
Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner
Man can not live by bread alone. At the very least, it requires the addition of a little peanut butter and jelly. – Gene Simmons
Reading when you're drunk is horrible. – Peter Kay
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait. - Jose Simon
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! - Tommy Smothers
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the light. – Rita Rudner
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. - W. C. Fields
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. – Unknown
You never know where to look when eating a banana. – Peter Kay
The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house. – Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henny Youngman
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. – Woody Allen
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. - Nancy Astor
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. – Dave Barry
Never accept a drink from a urologist. - Erma Bombeck
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had? – Unknown
Men are strange. When they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have these recipes. – Elayne Boosler
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. – Peter Kay
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. – Unknown
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. - Rodney Dangerfield
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. – Dave Barry
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? – Peter Kay
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying – Fran Lebowitz
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. – Unknown
My favorite animal is steak. – Fran Lebowitz
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Steven Wright
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. - Martin Mull
Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner
Man can not live by bread alone. At the very least, it requires the addition of a little peanut butter and jelly. – Gene Simmons
Reading when you're drunk is horrible. – Peter Kay
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait. - Jose Simon
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! - Tommy Smothers
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the light. – Rita Rudner
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. - W. C. Fields
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. – Unknown
You never know where to look when eating a banana. – Peter Kay
The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house. – Unknown
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henny Youngman
