sayings with impact from the net

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
 

Always remember: Pillage first, THEN burn!
 

Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.
 

I saw Elvis making crop circles
 

Stamp out global whining.
 

Witch's Parking ONLY! All Others Will Be TOAD!
 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

They told me I was gullible... and I believe them.
 

Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 

Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
 

A friend in need can be a real pain in the butt
 

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

 

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
 

If you always take time to smell the roses, sooner or later you’re going to inhale a bee.
 

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
 

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
 

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

 

All extremists should be shot.
 

I am perfectly sane. The little voices in my head told me so!
 

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to Me.
 

Reincarnation is making a comeback!
 

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
 

Incontinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?
 

I will finish what I sta
 

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
 

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 

A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
 

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!', till you can find a rock.
 

I used to have schizophrenia, but we're better now.
 

Procrastinators Unite... Tomorrow!
 

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 

Lord, give me patience... But Hurry!
 

An erection does not constitute personal growth.
 

Beat the evening rush hour, leave work at noon!
 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 

I married my wife for her looks... But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

 

Nonconformists are all alike.
 

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

 

When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty!
 

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

A sense of humor is the difference between ambition and achievement.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Be alert. Your country needs more lerts.

 

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

 

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot!

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Just when I was getting use to yesterday along came today.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

 

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

Sudden prayers make God jump.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?

Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

No matter where you go, there you are.

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That Bitch has Everything!

If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I gave up drinking, smoking and sex - Worst 15 minutes of my life

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.

How much deeper would the ocean be, if sponges didn't live there?

Proofread carefully, to see if you any words out.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk?

 

He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles from the next exit.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

 

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

 

Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

All I want to do is massage your back. TRUST me...

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

 

I used to be a schizophrenic until they cured me, now I'm just lonely.

Dorothy, hate Oz, taking the shoes, find your own way home- Toto

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!

You non-conformists are all the same.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

 

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Don't think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.

Don't believe everything you think

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

 

Always be sincere. Even when you don't mean it!

43% of all statistics are useless.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it

If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

It only seems kinky the first time.

 

Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!

 

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Archeologists will date any old thing.

 

I suffer from C.R.S. (can't remember shit)

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges!

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

Jesus is coming - Everyone look busy!

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

 

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Love thy neighbor – but don’t brag about it!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes

 

I drive like lightning. I hit trees.

 

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. 

Custer got Siouxed

 

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it WRONG!

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

 

Avenge Yourself - Be a problem to your children.

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

If you’re born again, do you get another belly button?

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

Old upholsterers never die. They always recover.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

 

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it

 

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being Mean.

Saturday has a morning?

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?
 

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 

Warning! I know KARATE!! (and seven other oriental words)
 

You say "bitch" like it’s a bad thing.

In theory, everything works.

 

Hire teenagers while they still know everything!

 

All generalizations are false.
 

Computers help us to do stupid things faster!

 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

 

How come we choose from just two people for President and from 50 for Miss America?

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
 

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
 

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
 

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
 

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
 

All men are Animals! But if you can train them, they make good pets.

Heading in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns.

 

If I ever want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
 

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 
 

Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.
 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 

Forget Love - I want to fall in Chocolate

 

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy!
 

I am suffering from a Sexually Transmitted Disease: Children!
 

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
 

If a man is talking in the woods and there’s no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
 

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 

Time is the best teacher.  Unfortunately, it kills all its students!

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
 

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
 

If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
 

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
 

Bad spellers of the world unight

 

Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.
 

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
 

My job drives me to drink. If it wasn't for that, I'D QUIT!
 

Life is too complicated in the morning.
 

A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
 

I want to make love in the worst way – standing up in a canoe
 

Romance is like a game of chess: one false move and you're mated.
 

I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.
 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 

I'm immortal, so far.
 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 

Witches are Crafty People!
 

I doubt, therefore I might be

 

Ever stop to think – and then forget to start again?
 

Dad’s the boss.  Right Mommy?
 

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
 

Hire teenagers while they still know everything!

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
 

What a nice night for an evening.
 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 

Don't Be Sexist. Broads Hate That!
 

Constipated people don't give a crap.
 

Absolute zero is Cool.
 

Did you forget God? Or was I supposed to pick him up!

 

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
 

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
 

When faced with two evils, take the one you never tried before!
 

You're just jealous because the Voices only talk to ME.
 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 

Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

 

Virginity is curable.

 

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home!
 

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.
 

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

 

Was today really necessary?
 

Chicken Little was Right!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Witches do it in circles!
 

Conserve water.  Shower with a friend.
 

Blondes arent dumm
 

I’m not a complete idiot.  Some parts ARE missing…
 

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
 

I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
 

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
 

When all else fails, manipulate the data!
 

Stupidity is not a crime. You're free to go.

 

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.
 

I'm immortal, so far.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it left!

 

I live in my own little world, but it's OK - they know me here.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Worry. God knows all about you.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
 

Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.
 

I brake for… wait… AAAH!… NO BRAKES!!!

 

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
 

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
 

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

 

I love kids, but I can't eat a whole one

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 

My reality check bounced!
 

If you are psychic, think "HONK"
 

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
 

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
 

I'm out of bed and dressed.  What more do you want?
 

Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
 

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!
 

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

You! Out of the Gene Pool!
 

Wars are not fought to decide who is right. Only who is left.

 

I need patience. NOW!

 

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you drink don't park.  Accidents cause people. 

If it has tits or tires you’re going to have a problem with it.
 

XXX the censors!