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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Legal Lunacy

Legal Lunacy
The following are all actual questions asked by barristers during trials.
·        "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
·        "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being, excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
·        "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
·        "Now doctor, isn't is true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
·        "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
·        "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
·        "Were you alone or by yourself?"
·        "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
·        "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
·        "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
·        Q: (Showing man picture.) "That's you?"
A: "Yes , sir."
Q: "And you were present when the picture was taken, right?"
·        Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
·        Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
·        Q: "Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
·        Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
·        Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
·        Q: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
A: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
·        Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
·        Q: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "How old are you?"
A: "Oral."
·        Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
·        Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No.
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
·        Q: "... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
A: "The victim lived."
·        Q: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
A: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
·        Q: "What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?"
A: "Oh, she will tell the truth alright. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!"
·        Q: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
A: "I could see his head."
Q: "And where was his head?"
A: "Just above his shoulders."
·        Q: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
A: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Q: "It was covered?"
A: "Yes, bandaged."
Q: "Then, later on ... what did you see?"
A: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
·        Q: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
A: "He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture."
·        Q: "... and what did he do then?"
A: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Q: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
·        Q: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
A: "She is my daughter."
Q: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
·        Q: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
A: "No."
Q: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
A: "Picking them up in the air."
Q: "Where was the dog at this time?"
A: "Attached to the ears."
·        Q: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
A: "Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "Did he kill you?"
A: "No."
·        Q: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
A: "Yes, sir."
Q: "Before or after he died?"
·        Q: "Mrs Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?"
A: "I should be."
Q: "How amny times have you committed suicide?"
A: "Four times."
·        Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?"
A: "I will be three months November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you and your husband doing at that time?"
·        Q: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
A: "My ex-widow said it."
Q: "How did you happen to go to Dr Cherney?"
A: "Well, a gal down the road had had several children by Dr Cherney, and said he was really good."
·        Q: "Are you married?"
A: "No, I'm divorced."
Q: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
A: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
·        Q: "What is your name?"
A: "Ernestine McDowell."
Q: "And what is your marital status?"
A: "Fair."
·        Q: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
A: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

·        Q: "Now, Mrs Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

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