I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. A friend in need is a pest indeed. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.. Born free, taxed to death. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on yourpants. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and theblinking red light. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented theother three, he was the genius. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon! If you can't convince them, confuse them. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. Someday is not a day of the week Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy. The road to success.... Is always under construction. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither doesMilk. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. And the Best! All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else!
A bicycle can't stand
alone because it is two-tired.
What's the
definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
Time flies like an
arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet
writes inverse.
In democracy it's your
vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with
a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing
the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your
exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got
a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and
I'll show you A-flat >minor.
When a clock is hungry it
goes back four seconds. . The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a
kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
You feel stuck with your
debt if you can't budge it.
|
. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN
down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine & 'taint enough of it!!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.
. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
Seine. . When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate
clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
Dixon's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the
best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to
pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless
you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the
quick, and the dead
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking
other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never
quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Bumper Stickers
(Actual bumper sticker sightings)
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a
vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from
happening at once."
"As long as there are tests there will
be prayer in public schools."
"The gene pool could use a little
chlorine."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my
luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times
I let him/her sleep."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I
miss it, the meaner I get!!"
"Montana -- At least our cows are
sane!"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack
ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but
you're still an IDIOT!"
"Friends don't let Friends drive
Naked."
"Reality is a crutch for people who
can't handle drugs."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy
every minute of it!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat
better."
"According to my calculations the
problem doesn't exist."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a
limited inventory."
"Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize
Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer
than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something
else."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will
make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks
slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just
like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at
math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends
help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my
clothes."
"Puritanism: the haunting fear that
someone somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time
between naps."
"The sex was so good that even the
neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.
You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose
your nursing home"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count
& those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long
word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?"
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it
die."
"Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas;
Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless
you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find
it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more
do you want?"
Things To Keep In Mind
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your
nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one
will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like peace and quiet: a
phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale
improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in
dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact
change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words
out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule
is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would
explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you
got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the
problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains might
fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look
astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice
doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have
your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the
rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you
to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill
out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on
you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're
everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke
methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break
it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the
dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights
wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh
D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit
bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any
Key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate
mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only
think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops
random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
The information went data way.
Best file compression around: "DEL
*.*" = 100% compression.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs
out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not
Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5
yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go
stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay!
Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT
command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in
technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the
etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral
available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error
correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington
D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its
power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's
Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a
case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as
datinformation.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he
reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy?
Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to
speed and automate errors.
ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to
continue
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to
continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient
voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
"640K ought to be enough for
anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to
CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your
CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to
quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm
interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe?
(Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works
greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one?
(Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in
control!
Will the information superhighway have any
rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake
down entire network
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a
beer?
When a
man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman
already knows.
--
Frederick Ryder
Men get
laid, but women get screwed.
--
Quentin Crisp (English writer)
Women
need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place
-- Billy
Crystal.
I love
the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for
a minute." What am I, a microwave?
--
Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
Do you
know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love
you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs.
Patrick Campbell (English actress)
A woman's
appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times;
her intelligence, eight times.
--
Sanskrit proverb
There's
very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot
they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what
I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry
Seinfeld
March
isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
--
Anonymous
Women
still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy
de Gourmant (French writer)
A man
loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four
kisses.
-- H.L.
Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When
women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off
from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren
Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two
things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is
having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon
B. Johnson
Why get
married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands
miserable?
-- Carrie
Snow
The Lord
made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first
question.
--
Anonymous
One Liners:
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the
wedding.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about
cholesterol.
Support bacteria - the only culture some
people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case;
Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you
have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some
don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it
turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with
battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains
kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the
dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your
name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to
bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never
opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise
my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes
got stuck in my nose.
I can please only one person per day. Today is
not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the
whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you
know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow
into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that
cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how
to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing
him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a
perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the
stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the
ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz
.. like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
More BUMPER STICKERS
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're
an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times
I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE
out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were
negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer
than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something
else."
"He who laughs last, thinks
slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just
like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends
help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time
between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose
your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count
& those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?"
Why Did
the Chicken Cross the Road
Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl
Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavellia:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly
cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among
them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon
of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of
choleric
humor.
Jacques
Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within
the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent
can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD,
DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de
Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy
Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let
it take.
Douglas
Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes
also across you.
B.F.
Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium
from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion
that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing
these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl
Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at
this
historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously
brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul
Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig
Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects
"chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into
being which caused the actualization of this
potential
occurrence.
Albert
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
David
Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador
Dali: The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from
the
trees.
Emily
Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph
Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann
von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest
Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner
Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on,
but it was moving very fast.
Jack
Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho
the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Henry
David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of
life.
Howard
Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to
grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an
herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo
sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald
Reagan: I forget.
Mark
Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of
Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you
know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would
explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow
into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot
be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how
to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing
him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a
perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the
stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the
ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing
him again.
3. I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the
stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the
ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key .
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and
plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that
cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping
you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three
times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four
times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect
their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days;
he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is
improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't
it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in
common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more
readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as
it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't
enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator,
never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as
yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so
good.
27. Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use
condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws
would have inlaws.
32. There's no need to fear falling - it's
the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear.
33. Birthdays are good for you - the more you
have the longer you live.
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