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Sunday, January 13, 2013

one liners -2

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

1.    37 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
2.  All the lights on, and nobody home.
3.  A few clowns short of a circus.
4.  A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
5.   An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
6.  A few beers short of six-pak.
7.   Dumber than a box of hair.
8.  A few peas short of a casserole.
9.  Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
10.                     The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
11.                       One fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
12.                     One taco short of combination plate.
13.                     A few feathers short of a whole duck.
14.                     All foam, no beer.
15.                      The cheese slid off his cracker.
16.                     Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
17.                      Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
18.                     Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
19.                     Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
20.                   He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
21.                     An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
22.                    As smart as bait.
23.                    Chimney's clogged.
24.                    Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
25.                    Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
26.                    Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
27.                    Forgot to pay his brain bill.
28.                   Her sewing machine's out of thread.
29.                    His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
30.                   His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
31.                     If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
32.                    Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
33.                    No grain in the silo.
34.                    Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
35.                    Receiver is off the hook.
36.                    Several nuts short of full pouch.
37.                    Skylight leaks a little.
38.                   Slinky's kinked.
39.                    Surfing in Nebraska.
40.                   Too much yardage between the goal posts.
41.                     In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spend on Monday.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Never pass a snow plow on the right.
"A rhetorical figure in which an epigrammatic effect is created by the conjunction of incongruous or contradictory terms"
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

 Why Coffee is better than a Woman!!!
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

Philosopher Jokes
The First Law of Philosophy
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy
They're both wrong.

 Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?
R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it confirms the biblical record...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it dis-confirms the biblical record...(so much for the univocity of the archaeological record, eh?)

How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem...light bulbs give off light (hence the name)...if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)

consider the age-old question: If a tree falls in a
forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?
This question was posed by philosophers of antiquity, and there is
still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But ask a scientist the same question, and he'll go off for short
while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've
solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the generalcase"!

A penny saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

Deep Dennis Miller
Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob !
Q. Why do Iraquians carry shit in their wallets ?
A. For identification.
Q. Why did the queer get fired from the job at the spermbank ?
A. He was caught drinking on the job ...
Q. How do you get four queers on a barstool ?
A. Turn it upsidedown ...
Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A. Sheep.
Q. How do you say "fuck off" in jewish ?
A. "Trust me!"
Q. Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ?
A. Two hours of begging.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout ?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes !
Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.
Q. Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza ?
A. Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
Q. Why do Jews have such big noses ?
A. Air is free ...
Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain ?
A. Gifted.
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?
A. In case you miss.
Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in poland ?
A. A tourist.
Q. What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?
A. 100 way to wok your dog.
Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?
A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.
Q. How do you know when the barman is really pissed off ?
A. When you find a string in your bloody mary.
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.
Q. Why did the homesexual leave home ?
A. He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q. What is the only bad thing about the '69' position ?
A. The view.
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
What should you do when a musician comes to your door?
Pay him and take your pizza.
They found another Hale-Bopp suicide.
A Polish guy was dead under the sink, behind the Comet.
Cool Facts
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
All porcupines float in water.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Cats' urine glows under a black light.
There are coffee flavored PEZ.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
"Hang On Snoopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

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