If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB
without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal
capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
1. 37
Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
2. All the
lights on, and nobody home.
3. A few clowns
short of a circus.
4. A few fries
short of a Happy Meal.
5. An
experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
6. A few beers
short of six-pak.
7. Dumber
than a box of hair.
8. A few peas
short of a casserole.
9. Doesn't have
all his cornflakes in one box.
10. The
wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
11. One
fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
12. One
taco short of combination plate.
13. A
few feathers short of a whole duck.
14. All
foam, no beer.
15. The
cheese slid off his cracker.
16. Body
by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
17. Has
an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
18. Warning:
objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
19. Couldn't
pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
20. He
fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
21. An
intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
22. As
smart as bait.
23. Chimney's
clogged.
24. Doesn't
have all his dogs on one leash.
25. Doesn't
know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
26. Elevator
doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
27. Forgot
to pay his brain bill.
28. Her
sewing machine's out of thread.
29. His
antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
30. His
belt doesn't go through all the loops.
31. If
he had another brain, it would be lonely.
32. Missing
a few buttons on his remote control.
33. No
grain in the silo.
34. Proof
that evolution CAN go in reverse.
35. Receiver
is off the hook.
36. Several
nuts short of full pouch.
37. Skylight
leaks a little.
38. Slinky's
kinked.
39. Surfing
in Nebraska.
40. Too
much yardage between the goal posts.
41. In
the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more,
What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're
everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which
client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman
he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you
want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk
in your sleep.
Indecision
is the key to flexibility.
You can't
tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is
absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness
is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes
too much to drink is not enough.
The
facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The
careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone
who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things
are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything
worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything
should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends
may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have
seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide
is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you
think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All
things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you
can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One
seventh of your life is spend on Monday.
By the
time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one
shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more
you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is
always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is
as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
Never
wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The
trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a
do-it-yourself thing.
Youth and
skill are no match for experience and treachery.
No amount
of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Anything
you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
Money
can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Never
pass a snow plow on the right.
OXYMORON:
"A rhetorical figure in which an
epigrammatic effect is created by the conjunction of incongruous or
contradictory terms"
OXYMORONS:
acute dullness · act naturally · Advanced
BASIC · airline food · almost exactly · alone together · Amtrak schedule ·
bittersweet · boring court jester · briefing · British fashion · business
ethics · butthead · cafeteria food · calm wind · cardinal sin · casual sex ·
cheerleading scholarship · childproof · Christian Scientists · civil engineer ·
clean coal · coal mine safety · computer jock · computer security · clearly
ambiguous · clearly confused · clearly misunderstood · comfortably dressed ·
conservative liberal · conciliation court · constant variable · constructive
attitude · corporate conscience · cowardly lion · dangerously safe · deafening
silence · definite maybe · deliberately thoughtless · democratic machine ·
designer jeans · diet ice cream · divorce court · domestic bliss · double
solitaire · educational television · effective compassion · essential service ·
even odds · exact estimate · extensive briefing · extinct life · family
vacation · fan fatale · federal budget · fish farm · flexible ethics · found
missing · free love · freezer burn · french deodorant · fresh-frozen · friendly
fire · friendly takeover · funky white guy · genuine imitation · genuine
imitation naughahide · good grief · good shit · government organization · guest
host · healthy chocolate · hells angels · holy war · half naked · home office ·
humanitarian invasion · idiot savant · ill health · industrial park · instant
classic · intense apathy · jumbo shrimp · justice rehnquist · larger half ·
least favorite · legally drunk · light rock · linear curve · liquid gas · lite
beer · little giants · living dead · long sleeved t-shirt · loud librarian ·
managed competition · marital bliss · Microsoft Works · mild interest · mild
mannered reporter · military intelligence · minor crisis · minor miracle ·
misanthropic humanitarian · modern history · moral majority · natural blonde ·
new classic · New York culture · non-alcoholic beer · non-alcoholic wine ·
non-dairy creamer · non-working mother · normal deviation · obscene art · old
news · only choice · on-time airplane · on-time musical production · on-time
train · open secret · original copies · original reprint · oxymoron · paid
volunteer · passive aggression · peace offensive · peacekeeper missile ·
plastic glasses · plastic silverware · player coach · player piano · polite
salesman · political science · post feminist · postal service · pretty ugly ·
private citizen · qualified success · randomly organized · rap music · Reagan
Democrat · real potential · religious tolerance · republican party · resident
alien · rock opera · rolling stop · rush hour · sad clown · safe sex · sanitary
landfill · sanitary sewer · same difference · scheduled spontaneity ·
scientific belief · second best · sensitive guy · serious musician · seriously
funny · silent scream · simply superb · small crowd · socialist market economy
· soft rock · software documentation · standard deviation · straight angle ·
student athlete · study outside · successful suicide · sweet sorrow · sweet
tart · synthetic natural gas · Tame cat · taped live · temporary tax increase ·
terribly enjoyable · terribly pleased · tight slacks · tragic comedy · train
schedule · trial separation · turbo diesel · twelve-ounce pound cake · unbiased
opinion · uncrowned king · unhappily married · united nations · unsellable
stock · unsung hero · vaguely aware · virtual reality · war games · wholesome ·
working vacation
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe,
revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd
like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies,
"I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no
milk?"
Why Coffee is better than a Woman!!!
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee
to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put
whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of
coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee
at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow
morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet
your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of
coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your
coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a
regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room,
and it'll be hot when you get
back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it
doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can
always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't
matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things
in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood
you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by
putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can
always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the
month...it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it
away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up
with a pube in the back of your
throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3
AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation
with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to
grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger
cup.
Philosopher Jokes
The First Law of Philosophy
For every philosopher, there exists an equal
and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy
They're both wrong.
Question: What do you get when you
cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s
usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries
with that, sir?"
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe,
revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd
like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies,
"I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
How many Talmudic Sages does it take to
change a light bulb?
R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard
from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would
take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses
said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but
the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark.
How many archaeologists does it take to
change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an
underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes...
How many archaeologists does it take to
change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to
proclaim that it confirms the biblical record...
How many archaeologists does it take to
change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to
proclaim that it dis-confirms the biblical record...(so much for the univocity
of the archaeological record, eh?)
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take
to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem...light bulbs give
off light (hence the name)...if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off
light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
consider the age-old question: If a tree
falls in a
forest, and there is no one around to hear,
does it make a sound?
This question was posed by philosophers of
antiquity, and there is
still no philosphical consensus as to what
the answer should be.
But ask a scientist the same question, and
he'll go off for short
while, apply for a grant or two, and come
back saying, "Well, we've
solved it for elm and birch, but we're still
working on the generalcase"!
A penny
saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
Ambition
is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small
object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Be
moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Death is
life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is
Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
Don’t
force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash
in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Fairy
tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the
speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is
merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock’s
Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
History
does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a
miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works
better if you plug it in.
It’s not
hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury:
Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not
the sands of time get in your lunch.
Mediocrity
thrives on standardization.
Quoting
one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Reality
is the only obstacle to happiness.
The only
difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend
starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide,
and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife
and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the
nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist
colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in
each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist
colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and
365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a
great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile
away
Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller
Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet
the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila,
floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have
apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would
defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn
victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his
hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an
"S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities
threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from
it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish
his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are
they worried someone will clean them?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has
the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru
bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal
injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns
because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut
tree ?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be
a hell of a blowjob !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do Iraquians carry shit in their
wallets ?
A. For identification.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the queer get fired from the job
at the spermbank ?
A. He was caught drinking on the job ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you get four queers on a barstool ?
A. Turn it upsidedown ...
-------------------------------------
Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A. Sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you say "fuck off" in
jewish ?
A. "Trust me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ?
A. Two hours of begging.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you do in case of fallout ?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the brown stuff between the
elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.
Q. Whats the difference between a Jew and a
pizza ?
A. Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do Jews have such big noses ?
A. Air is free ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how
big this thing gets.
Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a
brain ?
A. Gifted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do women have two holes so close
together ?
A. In case you miss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in
poland ?
A. A tourist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the title of the new Vietnamamese
cookbook ?
A. 100 way to wok your dog.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?
A. Your hand falling asleep while your having
a wank.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you know when the barman is really
pissed off ?
A. When you find a string in your bloody
mary.
-------------------------
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit
into a shoe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the homesexual leave home ?
A. He didn't like the way he was being
reared.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men
and a virgin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only bad thing about the '69'
position ?
A. The view.
--------------
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm
up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
What should you do when a musician comes to
your door?
Pay him and take your pizza.
They found another Hale-Bopp suicide.
A Polish guy was dead under the sink, behind
the Comet.
Cool Facts
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows
why.
A goldfish has a memory span of three
seconds.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with
both eyes.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of
the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp
Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
All porcupines float in water.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially
for Ronald Reagan.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds,
while dogs only have about ten.
Cats' urine glows under a black light.
There are coffee flavored PEZ.
"Dreamt" is the only English word
that ends in the letters "mt."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and
are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the
vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing
arsenic."
"Hang On Snoopy" is the official
rock song of Ohio.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the
Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the
town.
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