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Sunday, January 13, 2013

one liners -3

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this@ home!)
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula"--and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Answering Machine Messages 8/13/98
Actual Answering Machine Messages (as recorded by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers)
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Why did the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

Why did God give men a penis?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here."
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Why do women have breasts?
So men would talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How can a woman tell she's flat chested?
She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's' body, except his own.
Why did the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"?
About four inches.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A: A handful of sheet.
Did you hear Pink Floyd remade one of their songs in memory of Lady Di, much like Elton John did?
It's called "Another Brit. in the Wall."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Would software developers be decoded, deprogrammed, or just exposed?
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
A day without sun shine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Dyslexics of the world, untie.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
(Don't shoot the messenger on some of these, there a some VERY tastleless jokes in todays addition.)
Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What was Susan Smith's main defense?
A: She thought she was taking her kids to see Water world.
Q: What is a pedophile definition of a perfect 10?
A: Two five-year-old boys.
Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cuz he got there before the hare.
Q: How can you tell your kid is being molested at his daycare center?
A: He won't stop crying unless you put a pacifier in his asshole.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What is David Koresh wearing right now?
A: His best Sunday soot.
Q: What else?
A: Charcoal slacks.
Q: What else?
A: A smoking jacket.
Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
A: Roasted nuts.
Q: What was Princess Diana's favorite musical group?
A: The Crash Test Dummies!
Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT?
A: Because he got nailed on his boards.
Q: Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M & Ms?
A: 'Cuz they keep slipping through the holes in his hands!
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her.
Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A: A Megasoreass.
Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a 3 year old?
A: Getting the shit off of your clown suit!
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Q: What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
A: My son.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy?
A: Getting the diaper off!
Q: What do you do when you'r e finished fucking a ten year old girl?
A: Turn her over and pretend she's a ten year old boy!

Q: What's Yellow and blue and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it doesn't explode when you butt-fuck it.
Q: What is the mating call of a redhead?
A: "Next"!
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it!
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Someone is losing a trailer!
Q: What is better than winning gold at the paraolympics?
A: Walking!
Q: What's the best part about fucking a 10 year old boy up the ass?
A: You get to kill him when you're done.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
Q: How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A: You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A. A mugger snatches watches.
Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A. A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.
One sperm to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We only just passed the tonsils."
Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
A man walks into a bar and demands ashot of whiskey.
The bartender complies and the man takes the shot, puts it down and looks into his shirt pocket. "Another", he says. Once again the bartender gives him a shot, he downs it and then looks into his pocket
"Another" and so on.
This goes on for awhile until the bartender whose curiosity is peaked asks the man
"Sir, why is it that after every drink you look into your pocket".
The man (quite drunk) slurrs in response, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife and when she starts looking good I'll go Home!"
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If olive oil comes from olives,where does baby oil come from?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down,and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors?
6. Why do they put Braille dots on the dey pads of
the drive-up ATM machine?
7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it
8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of
9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the
12. If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on you
headlights, what happens? 13. You know hwo most packages say "open
here"? What should you do if the package says "opn somewhere else"?
14. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship it's called cargo?
16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whoe plane out of the same substance?
17. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address,you turn the radio down?
18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
19. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
20. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane? 21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters
fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
he closest I've ever come to saying "no" is "Not now, we're landing."-- Sam Malone, character played by Ted Danson on Cheers
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.-- Groucho Marx
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. Margaret Thatcher
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.  Josh Billings
It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but that is the way to bet.  Damon Runyan
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Anonymous
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
Art is either plagiarism or revolution. Paul Guaguin
Life is just one damned thing after another. Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination. Bill Watterson - Calvin and Hobbes
Justice is incidental to law and order. J. Edgar Hoover
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Jimi Hendrix
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Anonymous
A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me. Frederick Douglas
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendon Behan
Life is just one damned thing after another. Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper. Anonymous
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. Robert Frost (1874-1963)
I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much." Anthony Lake , national security advisor, at University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Graduation 1995
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it. Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
Never judge a book by its movie. J. W. Eagan
Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals. Cynthia Heimel
Never moon a werewolf. Mike Binder
When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968
Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. John Wooden

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