Be true to yourself
You have touched upon a topic too vast and vital that I cannot restrict the length of my comments.
First I must say not to boast you that you write really well through exact articulation of your real feelings.
It is always true that an ounce of personally involved actual experience is worth more than an ocean of philosophy that rests in books or in brain as mere ideas, thoughts and words or manifested as hypocritical and superficial display of certain practices.
Conscious self acceptance of reality and search for actions/answers/solutions to deal with the reality, in whatever way one wishes, is the first honest and good step towards mental maturity.
But it must be done preferably along with one’s own perception of life as it is encountered and lived based on one’s own perspective along with the aid of sublime ideas, suggestions and advises by wise souls who have documented for our convenience their wisdom in words and deeds through similar experiences that they have undergone.
This where I always admire the honest wisdom of Issac Newton who said, “If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants”.
The above approach enables the process of search leading to some probable realization to be swift, sober and saner with consciously aware consideration of subtle aspects of life in its multiple dimensions with all its myriad dynamics which may elude even the most honest and highest perception.
However, as George Savile says, “The struggling for knowledge hath a pleasure in it like that of wrestling with a fine woman”. The relationship with thoughts and ideas gives greater pleasure.
What is of greater importance is the perspective with which one may look at everything in the search without getting influenced excessively by any form of ideological or identity fixation, however great or good it may have been because life moves constantly in different contexts and situations each requiring different adaptations as in biological evolution or mental flexibility.
This is an important attitude which will ensure immense tolerance with sense and sensitivity without overt violent aggression or introverted psychological suppression.
I am happy that you are developing an inner relationship with lofty ideas that you come across in life with unbiased attitude to experiment and experience.
Ultimately reality is half formed by our perception and perspective and all thoughts that we think, as per scientific study are in existence somewhere already.
However, our contribution is in how creatively we use them to specific situations sanely realizing the meaning of life or injecting meaning to life while simultaneously also discharging /succumbing to inevitable obligations of life [even those that are utterly stupid or irrelevant or idiotic] and exigencies and imperatives of survival as a manifestation of our life as social creatures.
I have read and written volumes and volumes on reality, realization, meaning of life and so on, still my search continues as I encounter life at every moment without idealizing it or intellectualizing it or emotionalizing it or politicizing it or subjecting it to my ideological prejudices or socio –cultural of religious definitions because then observation is unconditioned and unbiased and awareness reveals at least some part of reality though I am aware that I cannot always exhibit that reality outwardly for various reasons.
I would like you to read this small piece of ten points on perception
It is nice to start the journey to be true to yourself but one life time is not enough to know the real ‘yourself’ the moment that anyone realizes that then that is the truth as expressed, experienced and exhibited many wise souls.
Along with these deeper thinking process, impulse to realize truth or true meaning of life at your age you must also not miss to enjoy life with gay abandon away from too much of serious thinking always.
Life is there to be lived happily and peacefully trying our best to make this happy feeling and calmness with simple living and high thinking an influencing factor to all those around us.
and also do not miss this wonderful site