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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Thoughts on Food, Drink and Dieting

Thoughts on Food, Drink and Dieting



I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. – Woody Allen


One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. - Nancy Astor


It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. – Dave Barry


Never accept a drink from a urologist. - Erma Bombeck


I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had? – Unknown


Men are strange. When they wake up in the morning they want things like toast. I don’t have these recipes. – Elayne Boosler


Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. – Peter Kay


It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns


Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. – Unknown


Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler


I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. - Rodney Dangerfield


A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields


The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. – Dave Barry


Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields


Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? – Peter Kay


Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying – Fran Lebowitz


Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. – Unknown


My favorite animal is steak. – Fran Lebowitz


If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin


If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln


The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Steven Wright


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery


The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. - Martin Mull


Never eat more than you can lift. – Miss Piggy


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry


Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner


Man can not live by bread alone. At the very least, it requires the addition of a little peanut butter and jelly. – Gene Simmons


Reading when you're drunk is horrible. – Peter Kay


In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait. - Jose Simon


Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! - Tommy Smothers


I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the light. – Rita Rudner


Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. - W. C. Fields


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. – Unknown


You never know where to look when eating a banana. – Peter Kay


The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house. – Unknown


My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles


My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – Henny Youngman

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