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Tuesday, August 27, 2013



Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

In a jeweler’s shop: “Ears pierced while you wait.”                

A secondhand shop boasts: “We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

At an exclusive boutique: “No children aloud.”

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Outside an electrical shop: “Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you.”

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

On a newly painted bench: “Wet paint. Watch it or wear it.”

On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

At a pet shop claims: “Birds going cheep!”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife.   Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

 Outside a furniture shop: “We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship.”

In the window of a photographer's studio: “Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.”

In front of a car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a pet shop door: “No dogs allowed.”

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In a butcher's shop: “These scales are accurate - no two weighs about it.”

In a fabric shop window: “Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged.”

At a London department store: “Bargain basement upstairs.”

In a dress shop window: “Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit.”

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a health food shop window: “Closed due to illness.”

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)”

At a travel agency: “Why don't you go away?”

In a laundromat: “Automatic washing machines - please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

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