GOT THESE FROM A MAIL FROM A FRIEND
A stitch in time saves nine what?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright
Are female moths called myths?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Are there a lot of virgins in the
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do boxer shorts box?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do clowns wear really big socks?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do mass murderers kill only in church?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do television evangelists do more than lay people? --Stanley Ralph Moss
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? --Steven Wright
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does an analyst have to be anal? --Adam Rifkin
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it. --Steven Wright
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you ever wondered?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?
How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How dead is the Dead Sea?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a "civil" war?
How is it possible to run out of space?
How long is the long arm of the law?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was? --Satchel Paige
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? --Tom Robbins
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? --Steven Wright
If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? --Steven Wright
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? --Steven Wright
If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? --Ashleigh Brilliant
If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums?
If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? --Steven Wright
If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it? --George Carlin
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? --Steven Wright
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? --Dennis Miller
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? --Art Hoppe
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?
If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?
Is "tired old cliché" one?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?
Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
Is a small pig called a hamlet?
Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?
Is drilling for oil boring?
Is duck tape made out of ducks?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?
The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
What are imitation rhinestones?
What do batteries run on?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do penguins wear for play clothes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do they call a French kiss in France?
What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you call male ballerinas?
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 UP's?
What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice? --Steven Wright
What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What happens when you swallow your pride?
What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?
What if someone died in the living room?
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What is "Soft Liquor"?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice?
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
What is the diameter of a square?
What is the speed of dark?
What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
What's the synonym for thesaurus?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
When day breaks who fixes it?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
When night falls who picks it up?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?
When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where is Old Zealand?
Which is the other side of the street?
Who killed the Dead Sea?
Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
Why are America's parks administered by the Department of the Interior?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why are highways build so close to the ground?
Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?
Why are some gay people so unhappy?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone?
Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why did the pot call the kettle black?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers? --Fred Allen
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?
Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways? --Larry Anderson
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?
Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"?
Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?
Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?
Why do they make scented toilet paper?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo?
Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
Why do we put shirts in a suitcase, and put suits in a garment bag?
Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things?
Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Why does a dishtowel get wet when it dries?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don't they just make food stamps edible?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? --Amboy Dukes
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is clear considered a color?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that famous people are always born on holidays?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemonsWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? --Steven Wright
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? --Lily Tomlin
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?