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Monday, September 9, 2013

Sarcastic quotes

- A -

1.      It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
  1. It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
      --Alan Alda
  2. When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
      --Muhammad Ali
  3. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
  4. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
      -- Anonymous
  5. If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer.
      -- Anonymous
  6. American is a very difficult language mixed with English.
      -- Anonymous
  7. If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over.
  8. Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
  9. I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.
      --Edward Appleton
  10. No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing.
      --W H Auden
- B -

  1. Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
      --Russell Baker
  2. You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
      -- John Barrymore
  3. Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
      -- Robert Benchley
  4. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
      --Hector Berlioz
  5. We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
      --Ambrose Bierce
  6. The covers of this book are too far apart.
      -- Ambrose Bierce
  7. When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.
      --Josh Billings
  8. Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.
      --Otto von Bismarck
  9. I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.
      -- Prince Bismark
  10. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
      --Erma Bombeck
  11. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
      --Erma Bombeck, author
  12. Few minds wear out; more rust out.
      --Christian Nestell Bovee
  13. We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
      --Wehrner von Braun
  14. Nothing more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them.
      -- Jean De La Bruyere
  15. An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support.
      --John Buchan
  16. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
      -- George Burns
  17. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
      --Samuel Butler
- C -

  1. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
      -- James Branch Cabell, from The Silver Stallion
  2. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
      -- Johnny Carson
  3. If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
      --Chinese Curse
  4. Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.
      -- Coco Chanel
  5. Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
      --Maurice Chevalier
  6. Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
      --Sir Winston Churchill
  7. An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.
      -- Irvin S. Cobb
  8. The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
      --Harold Coffin
  9. I have never seen pessimism in a Company prospectus.
      -- Sir William Connor (Cassandra)
  10. It is extraordinary how potent cheap music is.
      -- Noel Coward
  11. A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
      -- James Gould Cozzens
- D -

  1. Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
      -- Frank Dane
  2. History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
      --Clarence Darrow
  3. Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.
      -- Clarence Darrow
  4. I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
      -- Clarence Darrow
  5. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
      -- Clarence Darrow
  6. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
      --Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat)
  7. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
      -- Benjamin Disraeli
  8. Everyone likes flattery, and when it comes to royalty, you should lay it on with a trowel.
      -- Benjamin Disraeli
- E -

  1. Be the first to say what is self-evident, and you are immortal.
      --M. Ebner-Eschenbach
  2. When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile.
      --Bob Edwards
  3. Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
      --Albert Einstein
  4. An atheist is a guy who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins.
      -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
  5. The years betwen 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
      -- T S Eliot
  6. People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
      -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
  7. Men are what their mothers made them.
      --Ralph Waldo Emerson
- F -

  1. Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
      -- W. C. Fields
  2. I like children. Properly cooked.
      --W.C. Fields
  3. A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
      --Martin H. Fischer
  4. As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
      --Carrie Fisher
  5. A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.
      --Anatole France
  6. To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price on conjectures.
      --Anatole France, from The Revolt of the Angels
  7. The books that everybody admires are those nobody reads.
      -- Anatole France
  8. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.
      -- Robert Frost
  9. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.
      -- Robert Frost
- G -

  1. Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts.
      --Serge Gainsbourg, French vocalist
  2. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
      --John Kenneth Galbraith
  3. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.
      --Ed Gardner
  4. You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
      -- Hy Gardner
  5. Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.
      --Frank Gifford
  6. A clever man commits no minor blunders.
      --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  7. Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
      --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  8. If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.
      --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  9. I always get the better when I argue alone.
      -- Oliver Goldsmith
  10. Television has raised writing to a new low.
      --Samuel Goldwyn
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
  -- Edmund Gwenn, last word
- H -

1.      I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
  -- Alfred Hitchcock
  1. Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.
      --John Oliver Hobbes
  2. Give us the luxuries of life and we will dispense with the necessities.
      -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
  3. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
      -- Bob Hope
  4. Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
      -- Bob Hope
  5. None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.
      -- Ed Howe
  6. No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
      --Ed Howe
  7. If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.
      -- Elbert Hubbard
  8. Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.
      -- Elbert Hubbard
  9. You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.
      -- Elbert Hubbard
  10. A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
      -- Elbert Hubbard
  11. Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.
      -- Kin Hubbard
  12. Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.
      --Kin Hubbard
  13. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
      --Kin Hubbard
  14. It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
      --Kin Hubbard
- J -

  1. The truth is not always the same as the majority decision.
      --Pope Jean Paul
  2. Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.
      -- Samuel Johnson
- K -

  1. Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too.
      --Lionel Kauffman
  2. Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
      --Jean Kerr
  3. Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
      --Charles Kettering
  4. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
      --Fletcher Knebel
  5. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
      --Nikita Krushchev
- L -

  1. All major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
      --Bruce Leverett
  2. I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
      -- Joe E. Lewis
  3. I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
      -- Joe E. Lewis
  4. If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim.
      -- Joe E. Lewis
  5. It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
      --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
  6. I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.
      --Joe Louis
  7. Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....
      --Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
- M -

  1. Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
      -- Don Marquis
  2. Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
      -- Don Marquis
  3. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
      --Shirley Maclaine
  4. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
      --Groucho Marx
  5. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
      --Groucho Marx
  6. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
      --Groucho Marx
  7. Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
      --Groucho Marx
  8. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
      --Groucho Marx
  9. Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
      --W. Somerset Maugham, author
  10. Only a mediocre writer is always at his best.
      -- W. Somerset Maugham
  11. 'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents.
      -- H.L. Mencken
  12. To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
      -- H.L. Mencken
  13. Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
      -- H.L. Mencken
  14. Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
      -- H.L. Mencken
  15. No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
      --H.L. Mencken, philosopher
  16. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
      --Bette Midler, singer and actress
  17. Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
      --Spike Milligan
  18. Everbody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
      -- George Moore
  19. A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
      -- Henry Morgan
  20. A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
      --J.Pierpoint Morgan
  21. The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.
      -- Dwight Morrow
- N -

  1. They take the paper and they read the headlines.
    So they've heard of unemployment and
    they've heard of breadlines.
    And they philanthropically cure them all
    By getting up a costume charity ball.
      --Ogden Nash, from Pride Goeth Before a Raise
  2. A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did.
      -- Gregory Nunn
- O -

  1. I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
      --Robert Orben
  2. The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
      -- P.J. O'Rourke
  3. The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.
      -- George Orwell
  4. Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.
      --Charles Osgood
  5. The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
      --Robert Oppenheimer
- P -

  1. There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
      --Dorothy Parker
  2. Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
      --Maryon Pearson
R -

1.      What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
  --Will Rogers
  1. A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
      --Will Rogers
  2. I belong to no organized political party -- I am a Democrat.
      --Will Rogers
  3. Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.
      -- Francois de la Rouchefoucald
  4. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
      --Mark Russell
- S -

  1. I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.
      -- Saki (H. H. Munro)
  2. An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
      -- Herbert Samuel
  3. The tendency of an event to occur varies inversely with one's preparation for it.
      --David Searles
  4. I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  5. Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
      --George Bernard Shaw
  6. Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  7. Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  8. What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  9. He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
      --George Bernard Shaw
  10. Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  11. The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
      --George Bernard Shaw
  12. Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  13. Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
      -- George Bernard Shaw
  14. Moral indignation is, in most cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy.
      --Vittorio de Sica
  15. The more I see of man . . . the more I like dogs.
      -- Madam de Stael
  16. There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.
      --Toronto Star Newspaper
  17. In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.
      --Adlai Stevenson
  18. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
      --Publius Syrus
  19. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
      -- Pubilius Syrus
- T -

  1. With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.
      -- James Thurber
  2. A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
      --Toledo Blade Newspaper
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
      --Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian
  4. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
      --Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian
  5. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
      --Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian
  6. I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
      -- Mark Twain
  7. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
      --Mark Twain
  8. The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lighning and the lightning bug.
      -- Mark Twain
  9. I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
      -- Mark Twain
  10. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
      -- Mark Twain
  11. Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
      --Mark Twain
  12. The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.
      -- Mark Twain
  13. "Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people.
      -- Mark Twain
  14. Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
      -- Mark Twain
  15. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
      -- Mark Twain
  16. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
      -- Mark Twain
  17. Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.
      -- Mark Twain
  18. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
      --Mark Twain
  19. I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.
      --Mark Twain, 1891
  20. Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
      -- Mark Twain
  21. July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
      -- Mark Twain, from Pudd'nhead Wilson
- V -

  1. Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
      -- Judith Viorst
- W -

  1. One is never more on trial than in the moment of excessive good fortune.
      --Lew Wallace
  2. I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
      --Mae West
  3. When women go wrong, men go right after them.
      --Mae West
  4. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
      -- E.B. White
  5. I am not young enough to know everything.
      -- Oscar Wilde
  6. Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
      -- Oscar Wilde
  7. Bad artists always admire each other's work.
      -- Oscar Wilde
  8. Conscience and cowardice are really the same things.
      -- Oscar Wilde
  9. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
      --Oscar Wilde
  10. Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
      --Oscar Wilde, from Impressions of America (quoting someone in 'Leadville')
  11. Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
      --Oscar Wilde
  12. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produced a false impression.
      --Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest
  13. The good ended happily and the bad ended unhappily. That is what fiction means.
      --Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest
  14. On an occaision of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.
      --Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest
  15. I couldn't help it. I can resist everything except temptation.
      --Oscar Wilde, from Lady Windermere's Fan
  16. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
      -- Oscar Wilde
  17. Either the wallpaper goes or I do.
      -- Oscar Wilde, last words
  18. You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves.
      -- Michael Wilding
  19. Twixt the optimist and pessimist
    The difference is droll:
    The optimist sees the doughnut
    But the pessimist sees the hole.
      -- McLandburgh Wilson, Optimist and Pessimist
  20. The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.
      --John Wooden
  21. On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
      --Virginia Woolf, playwrite
- Z -

  1. The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
      -- Israel Zangwill

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