Sarcasm
- A -
1.
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to
seem foolish.
--Aeschylus
--Aeschylus
- It isn't necessary to be rich
and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
--Alan Alda - When you're as great as I am,
it's hard to be humble.
--Muhammad Ali - Money can't buy happiness; it
can, however, rent it.
--Anonymous - Business conventions are
important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.
-- Anonymous - If you don't know how to do
something, you don't know how to do it with a computer.
-- Anonymous - American is a very difficult
language mixed with English.
-- Anonymous - If you don't have time to do
it right you must have time to do it over.
--Anonymous - Any sufficiently advanced
bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
--Anonymous - I don't mind what language an
opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.
--Edward Appleton - No opera plot can be
sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing.
--W H Auden
- B -
- Don't try to make children
grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
--Russell Baker - You never realize how short a
month is until you pay alimony.
-- John Barrymore - Except for an occasional
heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
-- Robert Benchley - Time is a great teacher, but
unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
--Hector Berlioz - We know what happens to
people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
--Ambrose Bierce - The covers of this book are
too far apart.
-- Ambrose Bierce - When a young man begins to go
down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.
--Josh Billings - Laws are like sausages. It is
better not to see them being made.
--Otto von Bismarck - I have only one ambition left:
I should like to have a good epitaph.
-- Prince Bismark - The only reason I would take
up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
--Erma Bombeck - Never lend your car to anyone
to whom you have given birth.
--Erma Bombeck, author - Few minds wear out; more rust
out.
--Christian Nestell Bovee - We can lick gravity, but
sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
--Wehrner von Braun - Nothing more clearly show how
little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly
goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most
amply provided with them.
-- Jean De La Bruyere - An athiest is a man with no
invisible means of support.
--John Buchan - If you live to be one
hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
-- George Burns - All progress is based upon a
universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its
income.
--Samuel Butler
- C -
- The optimist proclaims that
we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this
is true.
-- James Branch Cabell, from The Silver Stallion - Mail your packages early so
the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
-- Johnny Carson - If thine enemy offend thee,
give his child a drum.
--Chinese Curse - Nature gives you the face you
have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you
get the face you deserve.
-- Coco Chanel - Many a man has fallen in love
with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
--Maurice Chevalier - Men occasionally stumble on
the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing
had happened.
--Sir Winston Churchill - An epitaph is a belated
advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.
-- Irvin S. Cobb - The fellow who thinks he
knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
--Harold Coffin - I have never seen pessimism
in a Company prospectus.
-- Sir William Connor (Cassandra) - It is extraordinary how
potent cheap music is.
-- Noel Coward - A cynic is just a man who
found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and
he's still upset.
-- James Gould Cozzens
- D -
- Never vote for the best
candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
-- Frank Dane - History repeats itself.
That's one of the things wrong with history.
--Clarence Darrow - Someday I hope to write a
book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.
-- Clarence Darrow - I am a friend of the
workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
-- Clarence Darrow - When I was a boy I was told
that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow - Avoid fruits and nuts. You
are what you eat.
--Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat) - My idea of an agreeable
person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli - Everyone likes flattery, and
when it comes to royalty, you should lay it on with a trowel.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
- E -
- Be the first to say what is
self-evident, and you are immortal.
--M. Ebner-Eschenbach - When Solomon said that there
was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem
of parking an automobile.
--Bob Edwards - Gravitation can not be held
responsible for people falling in love.
--Albert Einstein - An atheist is a guy who
watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower - The years betwen 50 and 70
are the hardest. You are always asked to do things, and yet you are not
decrepit enough to turn them down.
-- T S Eliot - People do not deserve good
writing, they are so pleased with bad.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson - Men are what their mothers
made them.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
- F -
- Once, during prohibition, I
was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-- W. C. Fields - I like children. Properly
cooked.
--W.C. Fields - A conclusion is the place
where you got tired thinking.
--Martin H. Fischer - As you get older, the
pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
--Carrie Fisher - A person is never happy
except at the price of some ignorance.
--Anatole France - To die for an idea is to
place a pretty high price on conjectures.
--Anatole France, from The Revolt of the Angels - The books that everybody
admires are those nobody reads.
-- Anatole France - A bank is a place where they
lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.
-- Robert Frost - The brain is a wonderful
organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you
get into the office.
-- Robert Frost
- G -
- Ugliness is in a way superior
to beauty because it lasts.
--Serge Gainsbourg, French vocalist - Faced with the choice between
changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost
everyone gets busy on the proof.
--John Kenneth Galbraith - Opera is when a guy gets
stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.
--Ed Gardner - You know you're getting old
when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
-- Hy Gardner - Pro football is like nuclear
warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.
--Frank Gifford - A clever man commits no minor
blunders.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - Know thyself? If I knew
myself, I'd run away.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - If a man writes a book, let
him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - I always get the better when
I argue alone.
-- Oliver Goldsmith - Television has raised writing
to a new low.
--Samuel Goldwyn
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
-- Edmund Gwenn, last word
-- Edmund Gwenn, last word
- H -
1.
I never said all actors are cattle; what I said
was all actors should be treated like cattle.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
-- Alfred Hitchcock
- Men heap together the mistakes
of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.
--John Oliver Hobbes - Give us the luxuries of life
and we will dispense with the necessities.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes - You know you're getting old
when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope - Middle Age is when your age
starts to show around your middle.
-- Bob Hope - None of us can boast about
the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve
were married.
-- Ed Howe - No woman ever falls in love
with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
--Ed Howe - If you don't advertise
yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.
-- Elbert Hubbard - Perfume: any smell that is
used to drown a worse one.
-- Elbert Hubbard - You can lead a boy to college
but you can't make him think.
-- Elbert Hubbard - A pessimist is one who has
been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
-- Elbert Hubbard - Some people pay a compliment
as if they expected a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard - Everything comes to him who
waits, except a loaned book.
--Kin Hubbard - Lots of folks confuse bad
management with destiny.
--Kin Hubbard - It is pretty hard to tell
what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
--Kin Hubbard
- J -
- The truth is not always the
same as the majority decision.
--Pope Jean Paul - Almost every man wastes part
of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.
-- Samuel Johnson
- K -
- Children are a great comfort
in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too.
--Lionel Kauffman - Marrying a man is like buying
something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may
love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in
the house.
--Jean Kerr - Research is an organized
method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
--Charles Kettering - Smoking is one of the leading
causes of statistics.
--Fletcher Knebel - Politicians are the same all
over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
--Nikita Krushchev
- L -
- All major weaknesses have
been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
--Bruce Leverett - I went on a diet, swore off
drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
-- Joe E. Lewis - I distrust camels and anyone
else who can go a week without a drink.
-- Joe E. Lewis - If you drink like a fish,
don't drive. Swim.
-- Joe E. Lewis - It takes less time to do a
thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - I don't like money, actually,
but it quiets my nerves.
--Joe Louis - Of course there's a lot of
knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors
don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....
--Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
- M -
- Ours is a world where people
don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
-- Don Marquis - Middle age is the time when a
man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
-- Don Marquis - The person who knows how to
laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
--Shirley Maclaine - Military intelligence is a
contradiction in terms.
--Groucho Marx - A child of five could
understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
--Groucho Marx - Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.
--Groucho Marx - Outside of a dog, a book is
your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
--Groucho Marx - From the moment I picked your
book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I
intend reading it.
--Groucho Marx - Death is a very dull, dreary
affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
--W. Somerset Maugham, author - Only a mediocre writer is
always at his best.
-- W. Somerset Maugham - 'Tis more blessed to give
than to receive; for example, wedding presents.
-- H.L. Mencken - To be in love is merely to be
in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for
a goddess.
-- H.L. Mencken - Democracy is the theory that
the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
-- H.L. Mencken - Democracy is the art and
science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
-- H.L. Mencken - No one ever went broke
underestimating the taste of the American public.
--H.L. Mencken, philosopher - If sex is such a natural
phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
--Bette Midler, singer and actress - Money can't buy friends, but
you can get a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan - Everbody sets out to do
something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out
to do.
-- George Moore - A careful driver is one who
honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
-- Henry Morgan - A man generally has two
reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
--J.Pierpoint Morgan - The world is divided into
people who do things--and people who get the credit.
-- Dwight Morrow
- N -
- They take the paper and they
read the headlines.
So they've heard of unemployment and
they've heard of breadlines.
And they philanthropically cure them all
By getting up a costume charity ball.
--Ogden Nash, from Pride Goeth Before a Raise - A conservative is a man who
wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did.
-- Gregory Nunn
- O -
- I take my children
everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
--Robert Orben - The Democrats are the party
that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the
crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government
doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
-- P.J. O'Rourke - The secret of a successful
restaurant is sharp knives.
-- George Orwell - Being Politically Correct
means always having to say you're sorry.
--Charles Osgood - The optimist thinks this is
the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
--Robert Oppenheimer
- P -
- There's a helluva distance
between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply
calisthenics with words.
--Dorothy Parker - Behind every successful man
there is a surprised woman.
--Maryon Pearson
R -
1.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails
and cleaner minds.
--Will Rogers
--Will Rogers
- A difference of opinion is
what makes horse racing and missionaries.
--Will Rogers - I belong to no organized
political party -- I am a Democrat.
--Will Rogers - Old men are fond of giving
advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad
examples.
-- Francois de la Rouchefoucald - The scientific theory I like
best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage.
--Mark Russell
- S -
- I love Americans, but not
when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to
talk English.
-- Saki (H. H. Munro) - An autobiography is the story
of how a man thinks he lived.
-- Herbert Samuel - The tendency of an event to
occur varies inversely with one's preparation for it.
--David Searles - I never thought much of the
courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
-- George Bernard Shaw - Do not do unto others as you
would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
--George Bernard Shaw - Love is the gross
exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
-- George Bernard Shaw - Great Britain and the United
States are nations separated by a common language.
-- George Bernard Shaw - What is the use of straining
after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be
the true one?
-- George Bernard Shaw - He knows nothing and thinks
he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
--George Bernard Shaw - Do you know what a pessimist
is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
-- - The perfect love affair is
one which is conducted entirely by post.
--George Bernard Shaw - Youth is a wonderful thing.
What a crime to waste it on children.
-- George Bernard Shaw - Alcohol is the anesthesia by
which we endure the operation of life.
-- George Bernard Shaw - Moral indignation is, in most
cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy.
--Vittorio de Sica - The more I see of man . . .
the more I like dogs.
-- Madam de Stael - There's nothing wrong with
the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.
--Toronto Star Newspaper - In America, anyone can become
president. That's one of the risks you take.
--Adlai Stevenson - Anyone can hold the helm when
the sea is calm.
--Publius Syrus - Let a fool hold his tongue
and he will pass for a sage.
-- Pubilius Syrus
- T -
- With sixty staring me in the
face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite
hardening of the paragraphs.
-- James Thurber - A great many open minds
should be closed for repairs.
--Toledo Blade Newspaper - I always wanted to be
somebody, but I should have been more specific.
--Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian - Man invented language to
satisfy his deep need to complain.
--Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian - The trouble with the rat race
is that even if you win you're still a rat.
--Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian - I could never learn to like
her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
-- Mark Twain - Be careful about reading
health books. You may die of a misprint.
--Mark Twain - The difference between the
right word and almost the right word is the difference between lighning
and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain - I find that the further I go
back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
-- Mark Twain - If you pick up a starving dog
and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal
difference between a man and a dog.
-- Mark Twain - Providence protects children
and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
--Mark Twain - The radical of one century is
the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has
worn them out, the conservative adopts them.
-- Mark Twain - "Be Yourself" is
about the worst advice you can give to people.
-- Mark Twain - Adam and Eve had many
advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
-- Mark Twain - By trying we can easily
endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
-- Mark Twain - Few things are harder to put
up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- Mark Twain - Noise proves nothing. Often a
hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.
-- Mark Twain - A classic is something that
everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
--Mark Twain - I have witnessed and greatly
enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect
on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient;
whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted;
and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next
thing to suicide.
--Mark Twain, 1891 - Let us be thankful for fools.
But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
-- Mark Twain - July 4. Statistics show that
we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put
together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of
July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
-- Mark Twain, from Pudd'nhead Wilson
- V -
- Love is much nicer to be in
than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a
holding pattern over Philadelphia.
-- Judith Viorst
- W -
- One is never more on trial
than in the moment of excessive good fortune.
--Lew Wallace - I never loved another person
the way I loved myself.
--Mae West - When women go wrong, men go
right after them.
--Mae West - Democracy is the recurrent
suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of
the time.
-- E.B. White - I am not young enough to know
everything.
-- Oscar Wilde - Don't give a woman advice;
one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
-- Oscar Wilde - Bad artists always admire
each other's work.
-- Oscar Wilde - Conscience and cowardice are
really the same things.
-- Oscar Wilde - A little sincerity is a
dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
--Oscar Wilde - Please do not shoot the
pianist. He is doing his best.
--Oscar Wilde, from Impressions of America (quoting someone in 'Leadville') - Ah! Don't say that you agree
with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.
--Oscar Wilde - It is very vulgar to talk
like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produced a false impression.
--Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest - The good ended happily and
the bad ended unhappily. That is what fiction means.
--Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest - On an occaision of this kind
it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a
pleasure.
--Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest - I couldn't help it. I can
resist everything except temptation.
--Oscar Wilde, from Lady Windermere's Fan - Fashion is a form of ugliness
so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde - Either the wallpaper goes or
I do.
-- Oscar Wilde, last words - You can pick out actors by
the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders
away from themselves.
-- Michael Wilding - Twixt the optimist and
pessimist
The difference is droll:
The optimist sees the doughnut
But the pessimist sees the hole.
-- McLandburgh Wilson, Optimist and Pessimist - The main ingredient of
stardom is the rest of the team.
--John Wooden - On the outskirts of every
agony sits some observant fellow who points.
--Virginia Woolf, playwrite
- Z -
- The only true love is love at
first sight; second sight dispels it.
-- Israel Zangwill
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