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Thursday, May 30, 2013

perspectives different

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
4. A backward poet writes inverse. 
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat >minor. 
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart. 
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 


15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 
Religion is a magic device for turning  unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers –Art Gecko
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine & 'taint  enough of it. 
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 
22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 
23. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine
24. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
27. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 
28. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Dixon's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick, and the dead
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Bumper Stickers
(Actual bumper sticker sightings)
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"
"Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
Things To Keep In Mind
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains might fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
The information went data way.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to continue
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place
-- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
-- Anonymous
One Liners:
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz ..  like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
More BUMPER STICKERS
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavellia: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of
choleric humor.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key .
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
32. There's no need to fear falling - it's the sudden stop at the bottom that warrants the fear.
33. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

1. 37 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
2. All the lights on, and nobody home.
3. A few clowns short of a circus.
4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
5. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
6. A few beers short of six-pak.
7. Dumber than a box of hair.
8. A few peas short of a casserole.
9. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
10.        The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
11.        One fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
12.        One taco short of combination plate.
13.        A few feathers short of a whole duck.
14.        All foam, no beer.
15.        The cheese slid off his cracker.
16.        Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
17.        Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
18.        Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
19.        Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
20.        He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
21.        An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
22.        As smart as bait.
23.        Chimney's clogged.
24.        Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
25.        Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
26.        Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
27.        Forgot to pay his brain bill.
28.        Her sewing machine's out of thread.
29.        His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
30.        His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
31.        If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
32.        Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
33.        No grain in the silo.
34.        Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
35.        Receiver is off the hook.
36.        Several nuts short of full pouch.
37.        Skylight leaks a little.
38.        Slinky's kinked.
39.        Surfing in Nebraska.
40.        Too much yardage between the goal posts.
41. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spend on Monday.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Never pass a snow plow on the right.
OXYMORON:
"A rhetorical figure in which an epigrammatic effect is created by the conjunction of incongruous or contradictory terms"
OXYMORONS:
acute dullness · act naturally · Advanced BASIC · airline food · almost exactly · alone together · Amtrak schedule · bittersweet · boring court jester · briefing · British fashion · business ethics · butthead · cafeteria food · calm wind · cardinal sin · casual sex · cheerleading scholarship · childproof · Christian Scientists · civil engineer · clean coal · coal mine safety · computer jock · computer security · clearly ambiguous · clearly confused · clearly misunderstood · comfortably dressed · conservative liberal · conciliation court · constant variable · constructive attitude · corporate conscience · cowardly lion · dangerously safe · deafening silence · definite maybe · deliberately thoughtless · democratic machine · designer jeans · diet ice cream · divorce court · domestic bliss · double solitaire · educational television · effective compassion · essential service · even odds · exact estimate · extensive briefing · extinct life · family vacation · fan fatale · federal budget · fish farm · flexible ethics · found missing · free love · freezer burn · french deodorant · fresh-frozen · friendly fire · friendly takeover · funky white guy · genuine imitation · genuine imitation naughahide · good grief · good shit · government organization · guest host · healthy chocolate · hells angels · holy war · half naked · home office · humanitarian invasion · idiot savant · ill health · industrial park · instant classic · intense apathy · jumbo shrimp · justice rehnquist · larger half · least favorite · legally drunk · light rock · linear curve · liquid gas · lite beer · little giants · living dead · long sleeved t-shirt · loud librarian · managed competition · marital bliss · Microsoft Works · mild interest · mild mannered reporter · military intelligence · minor crisis · minor miracle · misanthropic humanitarian · modern history · moral majority · natural blonde · new classic · New York culture · non-alcoholic beer · non-alcoholic wine · non-dairy creamer · non-working mother · normal deviation · obscene art · old news · only choice · on-time airplane · on-time musical production · on-time train · open secret · original copies · original reprint · oxymoron · paid volunteer · passive aggression · peace offensive · peacekeeper missile · plastic glasses · plastic silverware · player coach · player piano · polite salesman · political science · post feminist · postal service · pretty ugly · private citizen · qualified success · randomly organized · rap music · Reagan Democrat · real potential · religious tolerance · republican party · resident alien · rock opera · rolling stop · rush hour · sad clown · safe sex · sanitary landfill · sanitary sewer · same difference · scheduled spontaneity · scientific belief · second best · sensitive guy · serious musician · seriously funny · silent scream · simply superb · small crowd · socialist market economy · soft rock · software documentation · standard deviation · straight angle · student athlete · study outside · successful suicide · sweet sorrow · sweet tart · synthetic natural gas · Tame cat · taped live · temporary tax increase · terribly enjoyable · terribly pleased · tight slacks · tragic comedy · train schedule · trial separation · turbo diesel · twelve-ounce pound cake · unbiased opinion · uncrowned king · unhappily married · united nations · unsellable stock · unsung hero · vaguely aware · virtual reality · war games · wholesome · working vacation
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

 Why Coffee is better than a Woman!!!
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get
back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your
throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

Philosopher Jokes
The First Law of Philosophy
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy
They're both wrong.

 Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?
R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
No amount of them can do it, but for an underground antiquities dealer it only takes 5 minutes...

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it confirms the biblical record...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
501--one to take the old bulb out, and 500 to proclaim that it dis-confirms the biblical record...(so much for the univocity of the archaeological record, eh?)

How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem...light bulbs give off light (hence the name)...if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)

consider the age-old question: If a tree falls in a
forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?
This question was posed by philosophers of antiquity, and there is
still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But ask a scientist the same question, and he'll go off for short
while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've
solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the generalcase"!

A penny saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’.
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller
Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob !
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Q. Why do Iraquians carry shit in their wallets ?
A. For identification.
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Q. Why did the queer get fired from the job at the spermbank ?
A. He was caught drinking on the job ...
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Q. How do you get four queers on a barstool ?
A. Turn it upsidedown ...
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Q. What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A. Sheep.
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Q. How do you say "fuck off" in jewish ?
A. "Trust me!"
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Q. Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ?
A. Two hours of begging.
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Q. What do you do in case of fallout ?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes !
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Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ?
A. Slow natives.
Q. Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza ?
A. Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
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Q. Why do Jews have such big noses ?
A. Air is free ...
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Q. What did Adam say to Eve ?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain ?
A. Gifted.
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Q. Why do women have two holes so close together ?
A. In case you miss.
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Q. What do you call a beautiful girl in poland ?
A. A tourist.
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Q. What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?
A. 100 way to wok your dog.
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Q. Whats the ultimate rejection ?
A. Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.
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Q. How do you know when the barman is really pissed off ?
A. When you find a string in your bloody mary.
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Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.
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Q. Why did the homesexual leave home ?
A. He didn't like the way he was being reared.
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Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ?
A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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Q. What is the only bad thing about the '69' position ?
A. The view.
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What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
What should you do when a musician comes to your door?
Pay him and take your pizza.
They found another Hale-Bopp suicide.
A Polish guy was dead under the sink, behind the Comet.
Cool Facts
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
All porcupines float in water.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Cats' urine glows under a black light.
There are coffee flavored PEZ.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
"Hang On Snoopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this@ home!)
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula"--and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Answering Machine Messages 8/13/98
Actual Answering Machine Messages (as recorded by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers)
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Why did the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

Why did God give men a penis?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here."
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
Why do women have breasts?
So men would talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How can a woman tell she's flat chested?
She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's' body, except his own.
Why did the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"?
About four inches.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A: A handful of sheet.
Did you hear Pink Floyd remade one of their songs in memory of Lady Di, much like Elton John did?
It's called "Another Brit. in the Wall."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Would software developers be decoded, deprogrammed, or just exposed?
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
A day without sun shine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Dyslexics of the world, untie.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

LAWS OF WORK
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
(Don't shoot the messenger on some of these, there a some VERY tastleless jokes in todays addition.)
Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What was Susan Smith's main defense?
A: She thought she was taking her kids to see Water world.
Q: What is a pedophile definition of a perfect 10?
A: Two five-year-old boys.
Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cuz he got there before the hare.
Q: How can you tell your kid is being molested at his daycare center?
A: He won't stop crying unless you put a pacifier in his asshole.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What is David Koresh wearing right now?
A: His best Sunday soot.
Q: What else?
A: Charcoal slacks.
Q: What else?
A: A smoking jacket.
Q: How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
A: Roasted nuts.
Q: What was Princess Diana's favorite musical group?
A: The Crash Test Dummies!
Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT?
A: Because he got nailed on his boards.
Q: Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M & Ms?
A: 'Cuz they keep slipping through the holes in his hands!
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her.
Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A: A Megasoreass.
Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a 3 year old?
A: Getting the shit off of your clown suit!
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Q: What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
A: My son.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy?
A: Getting the diaper off!
Q: What do you do when you'r e finished fucking a ten year old girl?
A: Turn her over and pretend she's a ten year old boy!

Q: What's Yellow and blue and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it doesn't explode when you butt-fuck it.
Q: What is the mating call of a redhead?
A: "Next"!
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it!
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Someone is losing a trailer!
Q: What is better than winning gold at the paraolympics?
A: Walking!
Q: What's the best part about fucking a 10 year old boy up the ass?
A: You get to kill him when you're done.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
Q: How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A: You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A. A mugger snatches watches.
Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A. A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.
One sperm to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We only just passed the tonsils."
Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
A man walks into a bar and demands ashot of whiskey.
The bartender complies and the man takes the shot, puts it down and looks into his shirt pocket. "Another", he says. Once again the bartender gives him a shot, he downs it and then looks into his pocket
"Another" and so on.
This goes on for awhile until the bartender whose curiosity is peaked asks the man
"Sir, why is it that after every drink you look into your pocket".
The man (quite drunk) slurrs in response, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife and when she starts looking good I'll go Home!"
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If olive oil comes from olives,where does baby oil come from?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down,and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors?
6. Why do they put Braille dots on the dey pads of
the drive-up ATM machine?
7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it
sounds?
8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the
pan?
12. If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on you
headlights, what happens? 13. You know hwo most packages say "open
here"? What should you do if the package says "opn somewhere else"?
14. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship it's called cargo?
16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whoe plane out of the same substance?
17. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address,you turn the radio down?
18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
19. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
20. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane? 21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters
fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
he closest I've ever come to saying "no" is "Not now, we're landing."-- Sam Malone, character played by Ted Danson on Cheers
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.-- Groucho Marx
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. Margaret Thatcher
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.  Josh Billings
It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but that is the way to bet.  Damon Runyan
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Anonymous
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
Art is either plagiarism or revolution. Paul Guaguin
Life is just one damned thing after another. Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination. Bill Watterson - Calvin and Hobbes
Justice is incidental to law and order. J. Edgar Hoover
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Jimi Hendrix
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Anonymous
A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me. Frederick Douglas
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendon Behan
Life is just one damned thing after another. Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper. Anonymous
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. Robert Frost (1874-1963)
I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much." Anthony Lake , national security advisor, at University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Graduation 1995
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it. Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
Never judge a book by its movie. J. W. Eagan
Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals. Cynthia Heimel
Never moon a werewolf. Mike Binder
When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968
Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. John Wooden
Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog. Josh Billings
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. Andre Gide
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. Edward R. Murrow
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. P. J. O'Rourke
Captain is a good traveling name and so I take it.
George Farquhar
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Anonymous
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. 
Aldous Huxley
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
Tallulah Bankhead
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Joey Adams
Marriage is the result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise lounge.
Patrick Campbell, Mrs.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.
Anonymous
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.
Stella Adler
Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.
Sarah Bernhardt
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
Danny Kaye
Life is a wave, which in no two consecutive moments of its existence is composed of the same particles.
John Tyndall
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Anonymous
Logic is in the eye of the logician. Gloria Steinem
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Look back, and smile on perils past.
Walter Scott, Sir
Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish.
Michelangelo
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Lewis Grizzard
Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition.
Andrew Carnegie
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.
Mike Leonard
Life's to short for chess.
Henry James Byron
Live in danger. Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded.
Anonymous
Like most intellectuals, he is immensely stupid.
Marquise de Merteuil
Laws were made to be broken.
Christopher North
Lawyers are... operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must pass.
Jane Bryant Quinn
Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
Sam Levenson
Leadership is getting someone to do what they don't want to do, to achieve what they want to achieve.
Tom Landry
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Bill Watterson - Calvin and Hobbes
Leave the rest to the gods.
Horace
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett , University of Kentucky basketball forward
Just be thankful you're not getting all the government you're paying for.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.
Thomas Edison
Justice is incidental to law and order.
J. Edgar Hoover
Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it.
Samuel Johnson
Knowledge is soon changed, then lost in the mist, an echo half-heard.
Gene Wolfe
Knowledge is true opinion.
Plato (427-347 B.C.)
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix
Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability.
Flower A. Newhouse
Language is not only the vehicle of thought, it is a great and efficient instrument in thinking.
Humphrey Davy
Language is the armory of the human mind, and at once contains the trophies of its past and the weapons of its future conquests.
Anonymous
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Anonymous
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl, and, scarce-suspected, animate the whole.
Sydney Smith
Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain; With grammar, and nonsense, and learning; Good liquor, I stoutly maintain; Gives genius a better discerning.
Oliver Goldsmith
Let these describe the indescribable.
Lord Byron
Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.
Plautus
Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Let us permit nature to have her way. She understands her business better than we do.
Michel de Montaigne
Luck is the residue of design.
Branch Rickey
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Make voyages! Attempt them... there's nothing else.
Tennessee Williams
Making movies is my vacation. All the rest - the traveling about to premiers, the social life, the endless arguments with producers who don't understand me - that is the work.
Federico Fellini , movie director
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
Remy De Gourmant
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Many a man has finally succeeded only because he has failed after repeated efforts. If he had never met defeat he would never have known any great victory.
Orison Swett Marden
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Many people see Eva Peron as either a saint or the incarnation of Satan. That means I definitely can identify with her.
Madonna , defending her suitability to portray Evita in the film version
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Mechanization best serves mediocrity
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.
Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
Charles G. Dawes
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Abba Eban (1915- )
Men are conservatives when they are least vigorous, or when they are most luxurious. They are conservatives after dinner.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Men are like wine, some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
Pope John XXIII
A man is only as old as the woman he feels
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.
Samuel Butler
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.
Peter McArthur
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
Anonymous
And who so happy, O who; As the Duck and the Kangaroo?
Edward Lear


Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness.
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.
John H. Patterson
A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca-Colas ago was yesterday morning.
1996 Coca-Cola Company annual report
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know how to lie well.
Anonymous
Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.
Erik Pepke
All the people like us are we, And everyone else is They.
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
Judy Garland
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Ronnie Corbett
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Anonymous
A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me.
Frederick Douglas
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.
Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
Barbarella
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Jake Johanson
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
John A. Shedd
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Evan Esar

A small mind is obstinate. A great mind can lead and be led.
Alexander Cannon
Abandon it.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) , on being asked how he would go about improving Pittsburgh
About the time we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Herbert Hoover
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Doug Larson
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
Benjamin Disraeli
After the grand jury session, he (Vernon Jordan) told reporters that he answered the questions truthfully and to the best of his ability. Well, come on, which is it?
David Letterman
Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Daniel Francois Esprit Auber
All adventure is now reactionary.
William F. Buckley, Jr.
All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell - Animal Farm
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Haythum R. Khalid
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
All the people like us are we, And everyone else is They.
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
Donald R. Perry Marquis
Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before.
Edith Warton
Any clod can have the facts; having opinions is an art.
Charles McCabe
Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
Lee Simonson
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schultz
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
Charles Barkley , on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
Abbie Hoffman
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.
Bruce Friedman
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Sidney Goff
Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
Colin Powell
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
William Faulkner
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
Don't look back - something might be gaining on you.
Satchel Paige
Don't stay in bed....unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns
Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say "Don't trust anyone over 30."
Anonymous
Everything should be as simple as it is, but not simpler.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
The Duchess of Windsor when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much."
Anthony Lake , national security advisor, at University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Graduation 1995
If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr. - Life's Little Treasure Book, on wisdom
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Harry S. Truman
In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -- but that is the way to bet.
Damon Runyan
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
Josh Billings
Never judge a book by its movie.
J. W. Eagan
Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.
Cynthia Heimel
Never moon a werewolf.
Mike Binder
Never practice two vices at once.
Tallulah Bankhead
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Anonymous
People born to be hanged are safe in water.
Mark Twain (1835-1910) 's Mother
Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Start slow and taper off.
Walt Stack , marathon runner
Strength lies not in defense but in attack.
Adolf Hitler
There are a million ways to lose a work day, but not even a single way to get one back.
Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister
There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'
Carrie Fisher
Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
'Think simple' as my old master used to say - meaning reduce the whole of its parts into the simplest terms, getting back to first principles.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Trust, but verify.
Ronald Reagan , Former U.S. President
We have to keep trying things we're not sure we can pull off. If we just do the things we know we can do... you don't grow as much. You gotta take those chances on making those big mistakes.
Cybill Shepherd
We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.
Aesop
Well done is better than well said.
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
Cynthia Heimel , "Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics" in Village Voice
When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative.
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Al Capone (1899-1947)
You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.
Rwandan Proverb
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
W. Somerset Maugham
You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
Indira Gandhi
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax--tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
"Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities." (Charles Bukowski)
"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism." (Carl Gustav Jung)
"One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real." (Klaus Kinski)
"Argue for your limitations and they're yours." (Jonathan Livingston Seagull)
"Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels." (Frank Sinatra)
One who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao-Tzu (570?-490? B.C.)
Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face, what a sincere and logical mind discovers.
Rodan of Alexandria
Only those who attempt the absurd...will achieve the impossible. I think...I think it's in my basement...Let me go upstairs and check.
Escher
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Robert F. Kennedy
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
Horace
Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.
Mao Tse-Tung (1893-1976) , Chinese political leader
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
Michel de Montaigne
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary....
Edgar Allen Poe
One can be instructed in society, one is inspired only in solitude.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
One can win a war with either atomic weapons or by simply placing a 9mm pistol in the right room.
Nick Lappos
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
'Contrariwise', continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!'
Lewis Carroll - Alice in Wonderland
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.
Anonymous
Do you spell it with a "V" or a "W"?' inquired the judge. 'That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller, my Lord'....
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Anton Chekhov
Don't be afraid to take big steps. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
David Lloyd George

Don't ever become a pessimist, Ira; a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun--and neither can stop the march of events.
Robert A. Heinlein - Time Enough For Love
Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
John Wooden
Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog.
Josh Billings
Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.
Colonel Flagg - MASH
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Steve Bluestone
Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.
T. Lehrer
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
Margaret Thatcher
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
AnonymousBoys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Kin Hubbard
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Buffalo Bill was a good fellow, and while he was no great shakes as a scout, we had to hand it to him, because he was the only one that had brains enough to make that Wild West stuff pay money.
Teddy Blue Abbott , who worked as a cowboy for Buffalo Bill in his pre-show-business days in the West
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wright
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
Andre Gide
Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
Beauty is excrescence, superabundance, random ebullience, and sheer delightful waste to be enjoyed in its own right.
Donald Culross Peattie - An Almanac for Moderns
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
Edward R. Murrow
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
P. J. O'Rourke
Art is a collaboration between God an the artist, and the less the artist does the better.
Andre Gide
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
Paul Guaguin
Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has experienced.
Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
Anita Bryant
As for the virtuous poor, one can pity them, of course, but one cannot possibly admire them.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
Dick Cavett
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case of divorce and so will my wife.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Attention to health is life greatest hindrance.
Plato (427-347 B.C.)
Be advised that all flatterers live at the expense of those who listen to them.
Jean de La Fontaine
Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
Dan McKinnon
Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60. They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Can build plane...Delivery about three months.
Donald Hall , Chief engineer, Ryan Airlines, to Charles Lindberg's request for feasibility of the airplane later known as "The Spirit of St. Louis"
Captain is a good travelling name and so I take it.
George Farquhar
Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.
Henry Brooks Adams
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Philander Johnson
Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.
Roman Polanski
Civilization is a progress from an indefinite, incoherent homogeneity toward a definite, coherent heterogeneity.
Herbert Spencer - First Principles
Claremore, Oklahoma is just waiting for a high tension line so they can go ahead with locating an airport.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Communication with an engineer is only slightly more difficult than communication with the dead.
Lorren 'Rus' Stiles, Sr.
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
William Shakespeare - Macbeth
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
George E. Woodberry
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Anonymous
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Anonymous
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.
Dandemis
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Do not quench your inspiration and your imagination; do not become the slave of your model.
Vincent van Gogh
Do not write so that you can be understood, write so that you cannot be misunderstood.
Epictetus
Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Expressing anger is a form of public littering. ~ Willard Gaylin
Every man I meet is in some way my superior. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
For my part, it was Greek to me. ~ William Shakespeare - Julius Caesar
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. ~ Fred Allen (1894-1956)
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. ~ Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Half this game is ninety percent mental. ~ Yogi Berra
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. ~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Flattery is all right so long as you don't inhale. ~ Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
Education is not filling a bucket but lighting a fire. ~ William Butler Yeats
Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish. ~ Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~ George Burns
Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~ George F. Will , journalist, political commentator, 1994
Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this. ~ Peter Sellers


  
God has been replaced, as he has all over the West, with respectability and air conditioning. Imamu Amiri Baraka
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. Alfred Jarry
God runs electromagnetic by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  William Bragg, Sir
Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. Plato (427-347 B.C.)
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Give me a lever long enough, and I shall move the world.
Archimedes
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Saint Augustine (354-430)
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.
Anonymous
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) , from An Autobiography, 1932.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.
Charlie Parker
Don't try to tell the customer what he wants. If you want to be smart, be smart in the shower. Then get out, go to work and serve the customer!
Gene Buckley , President, Sikorsky Aircraft
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Anonymous
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....
Carl Zwanzig
Each life makes its own imitation of immortality.
Stephen King
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Rene Descartes (1596-1650) - Discours de la Methode
Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Every man wishes to be wise, and they who cannot be wise are almost always cunning.
Samuel Johnson
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Every person takes the limits for their own field of vision for the limits of the world.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
Everybody wants to live forever, but nobody wants to grow old.
Jonathan Swift
Everyone believes very easily whatever they fear or desire.
Jean de La Fontaine
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
George Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
Charles Caleb Colton
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
W. Somerset Maugham
Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope.
Arnold H. Glasow
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Extra-marital sex is as overrated as pre-marital sex. And marital sex, come to think of it.
Simon Gray
Exuberance is beauty.
William Blake
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
Goya
Farewell, fair cruelty.
William Shakespeare - Twelfth Night
Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
Anonymous
Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them.
Robert G. Ingersoll
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Fiction is the truth inside the lie.
Stephen King
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
Charles H. Grosvenor
First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.
Michael Caine
Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.
Simon Newcomb , 1902, eighteen months before Kitty Hawk
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.
Tom Robbins
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.
Isaac Asimov
I don't even know what street Canada is on.
Al Capone (1899-1947)
I don't give a damn what color you are so long as you get out there and kill those sonsofbitches in green suits!
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945) , greeting a Negro battalion, April 9, 1945
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the "dahling" thing got started?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
James Thurber
Humor is a universal language.
Joel Goodman
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
Jean Louis Agassiz
I could be president of Sikorsky for six months before they found me out, but the president would only have my job for six seconds before he'd kill himself.
Walter R. 'Dick' Faull , Test pilot
I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.
Robert Benchley
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Clarence Darrow , Scopes trial, in 1925.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Galileo Galilei
Hurrah, boys! We've got them!
Geo Custer, General , battle of the Little Big Horn
I always get what I want because I always want what I get.
Tim Bischoff
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
Anonymous
I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?
Arthur Conan Doyle, Sir - The Sign of Four
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Martin Mull
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.
Richard Bach
Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.
Andrew Carnegie - Epitaph
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
Michael Levine - Lessons at the Halfway Point
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
Anonymous
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West (1892-1980)
Heresy is another word for freedom of thought.
Graham Greene
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born!
Anonymous
He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
William Congreve (1670-1729)
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking.
Anonymous
His ignorance is encyclopedic.
Abba Eban (1915- )
History is a set of lies agreed upon.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history.
Clarence Darrow
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Abba Eban (1915- )
Hold the fort, for I am coming.
Philip Bliss
Honesty is the best policy; but he who is governed by that maxim is not an honest man.
Richard Whately , Archbishop of Dublin
Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
Laurens van der Post
I am indebted to the cat for a particular kind of honorable deceit, for a greater control over myself, for a characteristic aversion to brutal sounds, and for the need to keep silent for long periods of time.
Colette
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I am responsible only to God and history.
Francisco Franco
I am the emperor, and I want dumplings.
Ferdinand I
I am... a mushroom, On whom the dew of heaven drops now and then.
John Ford , movie director
I bear a charmed life.
William Shakespeare - Macbeth
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
G. K. Chesterton
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
I love being a writer, what I can't stand is the paperwork.
Peter DeVries
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Douglas Adams
I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope...and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
Theodor S. Geisel , AKA Dr. Seuss
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) , when asked what is his favorite song
I wanted revenge; I wanted to dance on the graves of a few people who made me unhappy. It's a pretty infantile way to go through life - I'll show them - but I've done it, and I've got more than I ever dreamed of.
Anthony Hopkins , Actor, on Stardom
I wants to make your flesh creep.
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
I was an equal opportunity eater. Every ethnic group got a shot.
Bill Clinton , who sampled jerk chicken, cheeseburgers, egg roll, barbecued pork, pirogi, tandoori chicken and cheese corn bread at the recent Taste of Chicago
I was crazy back when being crazy really meant something.
Charles Manson
I was so ugly when I was born; the doctor slapped my mother.
Henny Youngman
I will praise any man that will praise me.
William Shakespeare - Antony and Cleopatra
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
I will praise any man that will praise me.
William Shakespeare - Antony and Cleopatra
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.
E. B. White
I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress.
Jane Siberry
I'd rather bathe lepers than be interviewed by the press.
Mother Teresa
Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple, learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.
John Steinbeck
I think it would be a good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) , when asked what he thought of Western civilization
I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.
Orson Welles
I plan to accumulate as many shoes as Imelda Marcos while cultivating an aura of virtue exceeding that of Mother Theresa.
Seen in a .signature file
I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been.
Wayne Gretzky
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Thomas Watson (1874-1956) , Chairman of IBM, 1943
I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better.
George Bird Evans
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West (1892-1980)
I strive to be brief, and I become obscure.
Horace
I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about.
Don Mazankowski , former Candian Minister of Finance
I think Ms. Monroe's architecture is extremely good architecture
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.
Alexandre Dumas
I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I said that if people tell you your mother is not prime minister anymore, you just turn around and say, 'So what? How often has your mother been prime minister?'
Benazir Bhutto , Former Pakistani Prime Minister recounting advice she gave her children
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
Ashleigh Brilliant
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
I must place on record my regret that the human race ever learned to fly.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
Bern Williams
I guess this is the week I earn my pay.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) , during the Cuban missile crisis
I had ambition, by which sin The angels fell; I climbed, and step by step, oh Lord, Ascended into Hell
W. H. Davies - Ambition
I had the ambition to not only go farther than man had gone before, but to go as far as it was possible to go.
Captain Cook , on his voyage to the Pacific in Endeavor
I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am.
Samuel Johnson
I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts.
John Locke (1632-1704
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I have completed a monument more lasting than brass.
Horace
I have read your book and much like it.
Moses Hadas (1900-1966) , book reviewer
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) , when was informed that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
Bill Hoest
I just really liked her.
James Wilson , fifteen-year-old, who traveled from Illinois to Massachusetts by bike, bus and foot to seek out a girl he had met on the Internet - only to be caugh
I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.
John Cleese , Monty Python, British comedy television show
If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly.
Nick Lappos
I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen (1935- )
I'm defeated and I know it, if I meet any human being from whom I find myself unable to learn anything.
George Herbert Palmer
I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.
Alfred Hitchcock
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who can not, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live.
Peter Cochrane
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
Steven Wright
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.
English Proverb
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.
Edward P. Tryon
In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there is just one of it where there should be two. I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
Anonymous English Professor
In my end is my beginning.
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
In my family, the biggest sin was to buy retail.
Woody Allen (1935- )
In my opinion nothing occurs contrary to nature except the impossible, and that never occurs.
Galileo Galilei , in 1638
In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
In short, the habits we form from childhood make no small difference, but rather they make all the difference.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Kathy Norris
In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!
Orson Welles
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
In the course of your work, you will from time to time encounter the situation where the facts and the theory do not coincide. In such circumstances, young gentlemen, it is my earnest advice to respect the facts.
Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971) , in a lecture to junior engineers
I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice.
Michael Jackson , in an interview on ABC News programme 20/20
I'm not the public.
Lauren Bacall , on being told that a store was not open to the public
I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.
Edward Chilton
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Jules de Gaultier
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want.
Anonymous
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
Katherine Hepburn
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
Anonymous
If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG.
Jack Nicholson , Actor
If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.
Anonymous
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
If you want to be happy, be.
Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you can hang yourself with the cord.
Haythum R. Khalid
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
I'll moider da bum.
Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento , when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare
I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
Miles Davis
I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Warren Zevon
Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.
Sigmund Freud
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
If a man does his best, what else is there?
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
Herodotus
If a man is considered guilty for what goes on in his mind, give me the electric chair for all my future crimes.
Artist formerly known as Prince
If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.
Michael Patton
If a place needs helicopters, it's probably not worth visiting.
Nick Lappos
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Anonymous
If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.
Sign under a mounted fish
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
Mickey Mantle
If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.
Haythum R. Khalid
If I'd known it was going to be a classic, I would have paid attention.
Julius Epstein , Screen writer of Casablanca
If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.
Dennis Roch
If it were weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
If it's a woman, it's caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative.
Barbara Walters
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing pole.
Doug Larson
If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.
Eilliam Feather
If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
If the king's english was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
Ma Ferguson , Former Governor of Texas
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.
Paul Harvey
If we do not find anything very pleasant, at least we shall find something new.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
J. Danforth Quayle
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
Vince Lombardi
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.
Leo Rosten
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
Anonymous
If you believe that, I've got some land I want to sell you.
Bill Clinton , after golfer Greg Norman told reporters that the president was beating him in a golf game in Sydney
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
Lin Yutang
If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.
Virginia Woolf
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Ogden Nash
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy for me.
Kugell
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Scott Elledge , Professor , on his retirement from Cornell
It is true greatness to have in one the frailty of a man and the security of a god.
Seneca (3 B.C. - 65 A.D.)
It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.
Clive James
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
It was during the glory years (of IBM), its years of greatest profit and greatest admiration , that it was making the mistakes that sowed the billions of dollars of losses that came later.
Bill Gates (1955- ) , Microsoft Founder, Playboy, 1994
It was involuntary. They sank my boat.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) , when asked how he became a Navy hero
It was the best butter.
Lewis Carroll                                                                      
It would be nice, occasionally, if the target costs less than the bullet you shoot.
Mike Boorda, Admiral , Chief of Naval Operations, 1996
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it.
Blues Brothers
It's a damned long, boggy, dirty, dangerous way.
Oliver Goldsmith
It is our duty as men and women to proceed as though the limits of our abilities do not exist.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else that prevents us from living freely and nobly.
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
In the long run men hit only what they aim at.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
In the name of peace, we kill each other. In the name of religion, we kill each other. So we decided to laugh at that.
Nabil Sawaiha , Jordanian comedian, on the cabaret act he and a partner wrote and performed in Tel Aviv - the first production by a troupe from an Arab country ever
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
Yogi Berra
It is much more comforable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
G. B. Burgin
It is my supposition that the Universe in not only queerer than we imagine, is queerer than we CAN imagine.
J. B. S. Haldane
It is not necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There are two other possibilities: one is paper work, and the other is nostalgia.
Frank Zappa
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Richard J. Ferris , President of United Airlines
It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings.
Bronwyn Davies
It is not enough to conquer; one must learn to seduce.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
Gore Vidal
In this business, by the time you realize you're in trouble, it's too late to save yourself. Unless you're running scared all the time, you're gone.
Bill Gates (1955- ) , Microsoft Founder, 1994
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
Paul Harvey
In Yankee Stadium, it gets late early.
Yogi Berra
Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is the best.
Frank Zappa
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)
Intellectual brilliance is no guaranty against being dead wrong.
David Fasold
Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Investigation may be likened to the long months of pregnancy, and solving a problem to the day of birth. To investigate a problem is, indeed, to solve it.
Mao Tse-Tung (1893-1976) , Chinese political leader
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
Russell Baker
Is it partly cloudy or partly clear, over the lake?
Anonymous
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire
I's wicked - I is. I's mighty wicked, anyhow. I can't help it.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer
It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald , WWII Marine volunteer
It has been a bitter mortification for me to digest the conclusion that the 'race is for the strong' and that I shall probably do little more but be content to admire the strides others made in science.
Charles Darwin
It is a good day to die! Strong hearts to the front, weak hearts to the rear!
Crazy Horse , battle of the Little Big Horn
It is a lovely thing to live with courage, and to die leaving behind everlasting renown.
Alexander The Great
It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling.
Robert M. Pirsig
It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
Harry S. Truman
It is better to be high-spirited even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all to prudent.
Vincent van Gogh
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Tom Stoppard
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
It is better to shoot for the stars and miss than aim at the gutter and hit it.
Anonymous
It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.
Samuel Johnson
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.
Honoré de Balzac (1799-1850) - The Physiology of Marriage, 1829
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations.
Walter Bagehot - Biographical Studies
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
William G. McAdoo
It is true that liberty is precious, so precious that it must be rationed.
Nikolai Lenin
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
It isn't what they say about you; it's what they whisper.
Errol Flynn
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.
Arthur C. Clarke
It revolts me but I do it!
W. S. Gilbert, Sir
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
It takes great cleverness to be able to conceal one's cleverness.
Francois de La Rouchefoucald , Duc de La Rouchefoucald
It takes less time to do a thing right than explain why you did it wrong.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
Albert Camus
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
It's great to be young and insane.
Michael Keaton - Dream Team
It's more than a game. It's an institution.
Thomas Hughes
It's not over until it's over.
Yogi Berra

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
Millard Fuller
It's one of the tragic ironies of the theatre that only one man in it can count on steady work -- the night watchman.
Tallulah Bankhead
It's one of those New York questions, like "why don't you ever see baby pigeons?"
Anonymous
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Kin Hubbard
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Tallulah Bankhead
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
Ron Nesen
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
Anonymous
Nothing unites the English like war. Nothing divides them like Picasso.
Hugh Mills
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country choose a second rate president.
Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994) , Former U.S. President

No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
Henry Brooks Adams
Mingle some brief folly with your wisdom.
Horace
Never touch a butterfly's wing with your finger.
Colette
Of all the varieties of virtues, liberalism is the most beloved.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Oh, how fine it is to know a thing or two.
Moliere
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Nothing is so aggravating than calmness.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)
Nothing like a little judicious levity.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Now is the time for drinking, now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
Horace
Number 3 pencils and quadrille pads.
Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) , when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.
Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity then they really are.
Henry Fielding
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it as it is and why it exists as all.
Stephen Hawking
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
Jesse Jackson
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
No one ever gets far unless he accomplishes the impossible at least once a day.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theismann , football commentator and former player
Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.
James Baldwin - Nobody Knows My Name, 1961
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
Kin Hubbard
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
Nothing endures but change.
Heraclitus
Nothing good ever ends.
William Saroyan
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand were stone.
Jorge Luis Borges
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.
Indian Proverb
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
Henry Ford (1863-1947)
No one should drive a hard bargain with an artist.
Ludwig von Beethoven
No other success can compensate for failure in the home.
David O. McKay - Encyclopedia of Mormonism, Advice to parents at General Conference of the LDS Church, April, 1964
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory, no glory; no cross, no crown.
William Penn
No Sane man will dance.
Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
No stream rises higher than its source. What ever man might build could never express or reflect more than he was. He could record neither more nor less than he had learned of life when the buildings were built.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame-thrower.
Bruce Feirstein
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger (1923- )
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.
Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.
Rabindranath Tagore
Nirvana or lasting enlightenment or true spiritual growth can be achieved only through persistent exercise of real love.
M. Scott Peck
No aptitude at all for long division, but never mind. It's him they ask to split the atom. How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me. But then, I suppose it's like the man says, 'It's not what you know...'
Karl Arbeiter , Former teacher of Albert Einstein
No doubt, a scientist isn't necessarily penalized for being a complex, versatile, eccentric individual with lots of extra-scientific interests. But it certainly doesn't help him a bit.
Stephen Toulmin
No good deed goes unpunished.
Clare Boothe Luce
No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main.
John Donne - Meditation XVII
No matter how lovesick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
Joyce Brothers
No one but a fool would measure their satisfaction by what the world thinks of it.
Oliver Goldsmith
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
My good intentions are completely lethal.
Margaret Atwood
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Charles F. Kettering
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My poor head is in such a whirl, my mind is all in bits.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
My sun sets to raise again.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
Christopher Morley
My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
Joel Rosenberg - The Warrior Lives
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
Anonymous
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
Money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.
Gertrude Stein
Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.
James Baldwin - Nobody Knows My Name
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
Move the chair
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) , to a client who phoned him to complain of rain leaking through the roof of the house onto the dining table.
Mr. Clarke played the king all evening as though under constant fear that someone else was about to play the ace.
Eugene Field , Critic
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)
Music is Love in search of a word.
Sidney Lanier
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Anonymous
Never buy shoes early in the day when your feet are their smallest.
Francis Patiky Stein
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
Mathew Browne
Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.
Millicent Fenwick
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan River
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right.
Isaac Asimov
Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas De Quincey
One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
Antonio Porchia
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
One of the greatest pieces of economic wisdom is to know what you do not know.
John Kenneth Galbraith
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant
One should dies proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's his plague.
Robert Burton
One who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao-Tzu (570?-490? B.C.)
Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face, what a sincere and logical mind discovers.
Rodan of Alexandria
Only those who attempt the absurd...will achieve the impossible. I think...I think it's in my basement...Let me go upstairs and check.
Escher
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Robert F. Kennedy
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
Horace
Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.
Mao Tse-Tung (1893-1976) , Chinese political leader
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
Michel de Montaigne
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary....
Edgar Allen Poe
One can be instructed in society, one is inspired only in solitude.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
One can win a war with either atomic weapons or by simply placing a 9mm pistol in the right room.
Nick Lappos
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive.
Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Still more labyrinthine buds the rose.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
Taking a new step... is what people fear most.
Dostoyevski
Television is bubble-gum for the eyes
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Television is bubble-gum for the mind
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want.
Clive Barnes
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Anonymous
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Thank God, I have done my duty.
Horatio, Viscount Nelson
That life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions.
George Santayana (1863-1952)
The act of policing is, in order to punish less often, to punish more severely.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
The aeroplane will never fly.
Lord Haldane , Minister of War, Britain, 1907, four years after Kitty Hawk
Talent develops in tranquillity, character in the full current of human life.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Euripides
Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Success is dependent on effort.
Sophocles
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
David Henry Thoreau (1817-1862)
Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.
Joe Paterno
Suddenly, as rare things will, it vanished.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
Othal Brand , member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Anonymous
Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.
Josh Billings
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Guy Davenport
Son, where did you go to school? If I were you, I'd write them and get my fucking money back.
Dimitri "Jimmie" Viner , in discussions with his flight test engineers
Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
Sophia Loren
Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible.
Samuel Goldwyn
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Stay humble. Always answer your phone - no matter who else is in the car.
Jack Lemmon
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Joseph Fischer
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Charles Pierce
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Swami X
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are unimportant.
Henry Miller
She unbent her mind afterwards - over a book.
Charles Lamb
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.
Gypsy Rose Lee
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
Shun no toil to make yourself remarkable by some talent or other; yet do not devote yourself to one branch exclusively. Strive to get clear notions about all. Give up no science entirely; for science is but one.
Seneca (3 B.C. - 65 A.D.)
Silence is the virtue of fools.
Francis Bacon
Simplicity is the natural result of profound thought.
Anonymous
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Anonymous
Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful, who know when to play with it and when to let it alone.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Since when was genius found respectable?
Elizabeth Barret Browning
Single-mindedness is all very well in cows or baboons; in an animal claiming to belong to the same species as Shakespeare it is simply disgraceful.
Aldous Huxley
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Anonymous history student
So far as modern science is concerned, we have to abandon completely the idea that by going into the realm of the small we shall reach the ultimate foundations of the universe. I believe we can abandon this idea without any regret. The universe is infinit
Emile Wiechert
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
William Shakespeare - Macbeth
So little done, so much to do.
Cecil Rhodes
Sober, steadfast, and demure.
John Milton
Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
Robert F. Kennedy
Some people have so much respect for their superiors they have none left for themselves.
Peter McArthur
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson
Something attempted, something done, Has earned a nights repose.
H. W. Longfellow
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sigmund Freud
Sometimes democracy must be bathed in blood.
Augusto Pinochet
Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.
Arthur C. Clarke
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Kin Hubbard
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Tallulah Bankhead
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
Ron Nesen
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
Anonymous
Nothing unites the English like war. Nothing divides them like Picasso.
Hugh Mills
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the people of this country choose a second rate president.
Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994) , Former U.S. President

No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
Henry Brooks Adams
Mingle some brief folly with your wisdom.
Horace
Never touch a butterfly's wing with your finger.
Colette
Of all the varieties of virtues, liberalism is the most beloved.
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Oh, how fine it is to know a thing or two.
Moliere
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Nothing is so aggravating than calmness.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)
Nothing like a little judicious levity.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Now is the time for drinking, now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
Horace
Number 3 pencils and quadrille pads.
Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) , when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.
Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity then they really are.
Henry Fielding
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it as it is and why it exists as all.
Stephen Hawking
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
Jesse Jackson
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
No one ever gets far unless he accomplishes the impossible at least once a day.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theismann , football commentator and former player
Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.
James Baldwin - Nobody Knows My Name, 1961
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
Kin Hubbard
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
Nothing else in the world...not all the armies...is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
Nothing endures but change.
Heraclitus
Nothing good ever ends.
William Saroyan
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand were stone.
Jorge Luis Borges
Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.
Indian Proverb
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
Henry Ford (1863-1947)
No one should drive a hard bargain with an artist.
Ludwig von Beethoven
No other success can compensate for failure in the home.
David O. McKay - Encyclopedia of Mormonism, Advice to parents at General Conference of the LDS Church, April, 1964
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory, no glory; no cross, no crown.
William Penn
No Sane man will dance.
Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
No stream rises higher than its source. What ever man might build could never express or reflect more than he was. He could record neither more nor less than he had learned of life when the buildings were built.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame-thrower.
Bruce Feirstein
Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger (1923- )
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.
Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
Nirvana is not the blowing out of the candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.
Rabindranath Tagore
Nirvana or lasting enlightenment or true spiritual growth can be achieved only through persistent exercise of real love.
M. Scott Peck
No aptitude at all for long division, but never mind. It's him they ask to split the atom. How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me. But then, I suppose it's like the man says, 'It's not what you know...'
Karl Arbeiter , Former teacher of Albert Einstein
No doubt, a scientist isn't necessarily penalized for being a complex, versatile, eccentric individual with lots of extra-scientific interests. But it certainly doesn't help him a bit.
Stephen Toulmin
No good deed goes unpunished.
Clare Boothe Luce
No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main.
John Donne - Meditation XVII
No matter how lovesick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
Joyce Brothers
No one but a fool would measure their satisfaction by what the world thinks of it.
Oliver Goldsmith
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
My good intentions are completely lethal.
Margaret Atwood
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Charles F. Kettering
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My poor head is in such a whirl, my mind is all in bits.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
My sun sets to raise again.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
Christopher Morley
My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
Joel Rosenberg - The Warrior Lives
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
Anonymous
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan
Money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money.
Gertrude Stein
Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.
James Baldwin - Nobody Knows My Name
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
Move the chair
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) , to a client who phoned him to complain of rain leaking through the roof of the house onto the dining table.
Mr. Clarke played the king all evening as though under constant fear that someone else was about to play the ace.
Eugene Field , Critic
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)
Music is Love in search of a word.
Sidney Lanier
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Anonymous
Never buy shoes early in the day when your feet are their smallest.
Francis Patiky Stein
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
Mathew Browne
Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.
Millicent Fenwick
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan River
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right.
Isaac Asimov
Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas De Quincey
One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
Antonio Porchia
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
One of the greatest pieces of economic wisdom is to know what you do not know.
John Kenneth Galbraith
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant
One should dies proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's his plague.
Robert Burton
One who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
Lao-Tzu (570?-490? B.C.)
Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face, what a sincere and logical mind discovers.
Rodan of Alexandria
Only those who attempt the absurd...will achieve the impossible. I think...I think it's in my basement...Let me go upstairs and check.
Escher
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
Robert F. Kennedy
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
Horace
Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.
Mao Tse-Tung (1893-1976) , Chinese political leader
Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
Michel de Montaigne
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary....
Edgar Allen Poe
One can be instructed in society, one is inspired only in solitude.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
One can win a war with either atomic weapons or by simply placing a 9mm pistol in the right room.
Nick Lappos
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive.
Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Still more labyrinthine buds the rose.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
Taking a new step... is what people fear most.
Dostoyevski
Television is bubble-gum for the eyes
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Television is bubble-gum for the mind
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want.
Clive Barnes
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Anonymous
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Thank God, I have done my duty.
Horatio, Viscount Nelson
That life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions.
George Santayana (1863-1952)
The act of policing is, in order to punish less often, to punish more severely.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
The aeroplane will never fly.
Lord Haldane , Minister of War, Britain, 1907, four years after Kitty Hawk
Talent develops in tranquillity, character in the full current of human life.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Euripides
Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Success is dependent on effort.
Sophocles
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
David Henry Thoreau (1817-1862)
Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.
Joe Paterno
Suddenly, as rare things will, it vanished.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
Othal Brand , member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Anonymous
Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.
Josh Billings
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Guy Davenport
Son, where did you go to school? If I were you, I'd write them and get my fucking money back.
Dimitri "Jimmie" Viner , in discussions with his flight test engineers
Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
Sophia Loren
Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible.
Samuel Goldwyn
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Stay humble. Always answer your phone - no matter who else is in the car.
Jack Lemmon
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Joseph Fischer
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Charles Pierce
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Swami X
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are unimportant.
Henry Miller
She unbent her mind afterwards - over a book.
Charles Lamb
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.
Gypsy Rose Lee
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
Shun no toil to make yourself remarkable by some talent or other; yet do not devote yourself to one branch exclusively. Strive to get clear notions about all. Give up no science entirely; for science is but one.
Seneca (3 B.C. - 65 A.D.)
Silence is the virtue of fools.
Francis Bacon
Simplicity is the natural result of profound thought.
Anonymous
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Anonymous
Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful, who know when to play with it and when to let it alone.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Since when was genius found respectable?
Elizabeth Barret Browning
Single-mindedness is all very well in cows or baboons; in an animal claiming to belong to the same species as Shakespeare it is simply disgraceful.
Aldous Huxley
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Anonymous history student
So far as modern science is concerned, we have to abandon completely the idea that by going into the realm of the small we shall reach the ultimate foundations of the universe. I believe we can abandon this idea without any regret. The universe is infinit
Emile Wiechert
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
William Shakespeare - Macbeth
So little done, so much to do.
Cecil Rhodes
Sober, steadfast, and demure.
John Milton
Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"
Robert F. Kennedy
Some people have so much respect for their superiors they have none left for themselves.
Peter McArthur
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson
Something attempted, something done, Has earned a nights repose.
H. W. Longfellow
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sigmund Freud
Sometimes democracy must be bathed in blood.
Augusto Pinochet
Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.
Arthur C. Clarke
Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater.~ William Hazlitt
Practice is the best of all instructors.~ Publilius Syrus
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.~ Confucius

Result!  Why,  I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.~ Thomas Edison
Science is organized knowledge.~ Herbert Spencer
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.~ Immanuel Kant
Science when well digested is nothing but good sense and reason.~ Stanislaw I. Leszczynski
Science itself, therefore, may be regarded as a minimal problem, consisting of the completest possible presentment of facts with the least possible expenditure of thought.~ Ernest Mach
Scientists are the easiest to fool. They think in straight, predictable, direct able, and therefore misdirect able, lines. The only world they know is the one where everything has a logical explanation and things are what they appear to be. Children and con~ James P. Hogan - Code of the Lifemaker
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.~ Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. ~ Lily Tomlin
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. ~Philip K. Dick
Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.~ Michel de Montaigne
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.~ Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs~ Lily Tomlin
Reality is good for you...in small doses.~ Anonymous
Reason is the substance of the universe, the design of the world is absolutely rational.~ Hegel
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.~ Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.~ Robert Keith Leavitt
Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is.~ Isaac Asimov
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.~Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)
Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
Prejudice is just another word for ignorance.~ Thomas A. D. Weston
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.~ Rich Cook
Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences.~ Francois de La Rouchefoucauld - Maxims, 1665
 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sophia Loren
Sex is God's joke on human beings.
Bette Davis
Sex is hardly ever just about sex.
Shirley Maclaine
Same old slippers, Same old rice; Same old glimpse of paradise.
William James (1842-1910)
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day--and another, in case it doesn't rain.
Mae West (1892-1980)
Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all- the apathy of human beings.
Helen Keller
Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward.
Patricia Sampson
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.
Mohammed Ali
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
George Burns , at age 90
Room Service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Procrastination is the thief of time.
John Dos Pasos
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Recent medical research into the secrets of biology confirms what we always knew: that women are tougher, stronger and lustier than anyone ever thought. Our challenge is to surpass these expectations!
Jennie Chua , General Manager of the Raffles Hotel
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
Jonathan Kozol
Picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
John Lennon
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
Anonymous
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women.
Katherine Hepburn
Plato had slaves...George Washington had slaves...So, do I feel intrinsically better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead!
Todd Andrew Reid ]
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Plunge boldly into the thick of life!
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers.
Nikita Khruschev
Politics I supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan , Former U.S. President
Popularity is the crown of laurel that the world puts on bad art. Whatever is popular is wrong.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)


Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
Omar Bradley, General
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Mayor Marion Barry , Washington, DC
Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips....
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
D. J. Hicks
Parents are the bones upon which children sharpen their teeth.
Peter Ustinov
People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor!
Anonymous
People find life entirely too time-consuming.
Stanislaw J. Lec
People may or may not say what they mean ... but they always say something designed to get what they want.
David Mamet
People say "I want peace." If you remove I {ego}, and your want {desire}, you are left with peace.
Satya Sai Baba
People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.
Pete Incaviglia , baseball player, 1990
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Emile Zola (1840-1902)
The attempt and not the deed confounds us.
William Shakespeare - Macbeth
The average person thinks he isn't.
Larry Lorenzoni, Father
The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but a transference of bones from one graveyard to another.
J. Frank Dobie - A Texan in England, 1945
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)
The Beauty of Mother Nature is her ability to make complex things appear simple.
Louis E. Samuels, M.D.
The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.
Frank Herbert
The best defense is a good offense.
Anonymous
The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.
Benjamin Disraeli
The Bible has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendon Behan
The bigger the real-life problems, the greater the tendency for the discipline to retreat into a reassuring fantasy-land of abstract theory and technical manipulation.
Tom Naylor
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it.
Thucydides
The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.
Don Herold
The camera cannot lie. But it can be an accessory to untruth.
Harold Evans
The cautious seldom err.
Confucius
The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different.
Aldous Huxley - The Devils of Loudun
The cheerful loser is the winner.
Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
William James (1842-1910)
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Anonymous
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.
Beecher
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Gloria Leonard
The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom.
Cyril Parkinson
The closest I've ever come to saying "no" is "Not now, we're landing."
Sam Malone , character played by Ted Danson on Cheers, U.S. television show, in respsonse to Diane telling him to say "no" to her friend's alleged sexual advances.
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
J. K. Galbraith
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Ellen Parr
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
Robert Heinlein
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
Dizzy Dean , after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
The doer alone learneth.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
The dreadful burden of having nothing to do.
Nicolas Boileau
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.
Honoré de Balzac (1799-1850) - The Physiology of Marriage, 1829
The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy.
Steven Weinberg
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
Richard Buckminster Fuller
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox--the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.
Milo Bloom
The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.
Richard Cecil
The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.
Paul Valery (1871-1945)
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Walter Bagehot
The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.
Robert G. Ingersoll
The heart is the chief feature of a functioning mind
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
The hen is an egg's way of producing another egg.
Samuel Butler
The higher up you go, the more mistakes you are allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it's considered to be your style.
Fred Astaire
The highest ecstasy is the attention at its fullest.
Simone Weil
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
Henry Kissinger (1923- )
The illusion of progress can be achieved by simply rearranging the terms of description so that new acronyms are created.
Scott Smith , Sikorsky Test Pilot
The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
Glenda Jackson
The fool doth think himself wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
William Shakespeare
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions - which time and mediocrity can solve.
Hugh Trevor-Roper - Men and Events
The future is like heaven, everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now.
James Baldwin
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen (1935- )
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but you still have to mow it.
Anonymous
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Charles de Gaulle, General (1890-1970)
The great masses of the people... will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.
Adolf Hitler
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud
The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.
Thomas Henry Huxley

The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them.
William Bragg, Sir
The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law.
Yiddish Proverb
The insatiate itch of scribbling.
William Gifford
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
The intelligent man is one who has successfully fulfilled many accomplishments, and is yet willing to learn more.
Ed Parker
The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
The investigator should have a robust faith -- and yet not believe.
Claude Bernard (1813-1878) , French physiologist
The iron gate ground its teeth to let me pass!
Elizabeth Barret Browning
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
Anatole France
The least practical solutions have the best acronyms.
Charles Evans Hughes
The lecturer should give the audience full reason to believe that all his powers have been exerted for their pleasure and instruction.
Michael Faraday
The life so short, the craft so long to learn.
Hippocrates
The little I know I owe to my ignorance.
Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
The little things are most worthwhile - quiet word, a look, a smile.
Margaret Lindsey
The long term is really just a bunch of short terms taped together.
Nick Lappos
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
Henry Kissinger (1923- )
The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
The magnitude of a problem can be gaged by the number of acronyms associated with its potential solutions.
Ed Dinsmore
The man for whom law exists -- the man of forms, the Conservative, is a tame man.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
he man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization.
Mikhail Gorbachev , June 8, 1990
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
William H. Borah
The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Pittacus
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)
The mistakes are all waiting to be made.
Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) , Chessmaster, on the game's opening position
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.
John Kenneth Galbraith
The more faithfully you listen to the voices within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside.
Dag Hammarskjold
The more things change, the more they are the same.
Alphonse Karr
The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.
Felelon
The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you.
Brandan Behan
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Nathaniel Borenstein
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
H. P. Lovecraft
The mother art is architecture. Without an architecture of our own we have no soul of our own civilization
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
The moving finger writes; and, having writ, moves on...
Omar Khayyam - The Rubaiyat
The NBA players are smart enough to know that you get the virus from unprotected sex, and we're not going to have unprotected sex on the basketball court.
Rony Seikaly , Golden State Warriors center, on the return to pro backetball of Los Angeles Lakers superstar Magic Johnson, who retired four years ago after testin
The news is the one thing the networks can point to with pride. Everything else they do is crap and they know it.
Fred Friendly
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger (1923- )
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
Andres S. Tannenbaum
The most important of all sciences man can and must learn is the science of living so as to do the least evil and the greatest possible good.
Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.
Virginia Woolf
The one on my board right now
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) , when asked which of his buildings was the most beautiful
The only motivation I need to write a musical is a phone call from the producer.
Cole Porter
The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any.
Russell Baker
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
Anonymous
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
Robert Oppenheimer
The origin of all science is the desire to know causes, and the origin of all false science and imposture is the desire to accept false causes rather than none; or, which is the same thing, in the unwillingness to acknowledge our own ignorance.
William Hazlitt
The pain passes, but the beauty remains.
Pierre Auguste Renoir
The paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace the hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.
Alfred Hitchcock
The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.
Frank Herbert
The philosophers of the Middle Ages demonstrated both that the Earth did not exist and also that it was flat. Today they are still arguing about whether the world exists, but they no longer dispute about whether it is flat.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
George Stephanopolous , Clinton's aide speaking on Larry King Live
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The reward for a thing well done is to have done it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
Karl Marx
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Anonymous
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Hubert H. Humphrey ]
The scientists split the atom; now the atom is splitting us.
Quentin Reynolds
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Jean Giraudoux
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
The service life of a cobbled up fix is inversely proportional to the time required to slap it together.
Nick Lappos
The size of your problem is defined by your efforts to convince yourself that it's not a problem.
Nick Lappos
The Social Sciences are good at accounting for disasters once they have taken place.
Claude T. Bissell
The sports page records people's accomplishments; The front page nothing but their failures.
Jutice Earl Warren
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo
The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone.
Henrik Ibsen
The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things...
Richard Feynman
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
Edward VIII, King
The Third World was not created randomly. Rest assured, they got themselves there the hard way.
Nick Micskey
The time to stop a revolution is at the beginning, not the end.
Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
Anonymous
The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins.
Heywood Brown
The trick is to structure your question so that the answer No gets you what you want.
Lorren 'Rus' Stiles, Sr. , Comanche project pilot
The trouble with a kitten is that Eventually it becomes a Cat.
Ogden Nash
The trouble with out times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Paul Valery (1871-1945)
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
The true art of memory is the art of attention.
Samuel Johnson
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Ann Landers
The truly proud man knows neither superiors or inferiors. The first he does not admit of - the last he does not concern himself about.
William Hazlitt
The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
The truth is more important than the facts
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.
W. Somerset Maugham
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth Taylor
The progress of science is often affected more by the frailties of humans and their institutions than by the limitations of scientific measuring devices. The scientific method is only as effective as the humans using it. It does not automatically lead to
Steven S. Zumdahl
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The question in life is not whether you get knocked down. You will. The question is, are you ready to get back up... and fight for what you believe in.
Dan Qualye
The real danger from advertising is that it helps to shatter and ultimately destroy our most precious non-material possessions: the confidence in the existence of meaningful purposes of human activity and respect for the integrity of man.
Paul Sweezy
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Doris Day
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Eden Phillpotts
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Anonymous
The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it unfriendly. It is simply indifferent.
John H. Holmes
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Edsgar Dijkstra
The utmost extent of man's knowledge, is to know that he knows nothing.
Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
The Vice Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.
Bill Vaughan
The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.
Adolf Hitler
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
Paula Poundstone
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
The market is not an invention of capitalism. It has existed for centuries. It is an invention of civilization.
Mikhail Gorbachev , June 8, 1990
The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
William H. Borah
The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Pittacus
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)
The mistakes are all waiting to be made.
Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) , Chessmaster, on the game's opening position
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.
John Kenneth Galbraith
The more faithfully you listen to the voices within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside.
Dag Hammarskjold
The more things change, the more they are the same.
Alphonse Karr
The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.
Felelon
The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you.
Brandan Behan
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Nathaniel Borenstein
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
H. P. Lovecraft
The mother art is architecture. Without an architecture of our own we have no soul of our own civilization
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
The moving finger writes; and, having writ, moves on...
Omar Khayyam - The Rubaiyat
The NBA players are smart enough to know that you get the virus from unprotected sex, and we're not going to have unprotected sex on the basketball court.
Rony Seikaly , Golden State Warriors center, on the return to pro backetball of Los Angeles Lakers superstar Magic Johnson, who retired four years ago after testin
The news is the one thing the networks can point to with pride. Everything else they do is crap and they know it.
Fred Friendly
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger (1923- )
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
Andres S. Tannenbaum
The most important of all sciences man can and must learn is the science of living so as to do the least evil and the greatest possible good.
Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.
Virginia Woolf
The one on my board right now
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959) , when asked which of his buildings was the most beautiful
The only motivation I need to write a musical is a phone call from the producer.
Cole Porter
The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any.
Russell Baker
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
Anonymous
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
Robert Oppenheimer
The origin of all science is the desire to know causes, and the origin of all false science and imposture is the desire to accept false causes rather than none; or, which is the same thing, in the unwillingness to acknowledge our own ignorance.
William Hazlitt
The pain passes, but the beauty remains.
Pierre Auguste Renoir
The paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace the hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.
Alfred Hitchcock
The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.
Frank Herbert
The philosophers of the Middle Ages demonstrated both that the Earth did not exist and also that it was flat. Today they are still arguing about whether the world exists, but they no longer dispute about whether it is flat.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
George Stephanopolous , Clinton's aide speaking on Larry King Live
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
The reward for a thing well done is to have done it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
Karl Marx
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
Anonymous
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Hubert H. Humphrey ]
The scientists split the atom; now the atom is splitting us.
Quentin Reynolds
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Jean Giraudoux
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
The service life of a cobbled up fix is inversely proportional to the time required to slap it together.
Nick Lappos
The size of your problem is defined by your efforts to convince yourself that it's not a problem.
Nick Lappos
The Social Sciences are good at accounting for disasters once they have taken place.
Claude T. Bissell
The sports page records people's accomplishments; The front page nothing but their failures.
Jutice Earl Warren
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo
The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone.
Henrik Ibsen
The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things...
Richard Feynman
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
Edward VIII, King
The Third World was not created randomly. Rest assured, they got themselves there the hard way.
Nick Micskey
The time to stop a revolution is at the beginning, not the end.
Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
Anonymous
The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins.
Heywood Brown
The trick is to structure your question so that the answer No gets you what you want.
Lorren 'Rus' Stiles, Sr. , Comanche project pilot
The trouble with a kitten is that Eventually it becomes a Cat.
Ogden Nash
The trouble with out times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Paul Valery (1871-1945)
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
The true art of memory is the art of attention.
Samuel Johnson
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Ann Landers
The truly proud man knows neither superiors or inferiors. The first he does not admit of - the last he does not concern himself about.
William Hazlitt
The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
The truth is more important than the facts
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.
W. Somerset Maugham
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth Taylor
The progress of science is often affected more by the frailties of humans and their institutions than by the limitations of scientific measuring devices. The scientific method is only as effective as the humans using it. It does not automatically lead to
Steven S. Zumdahl
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
The question in life is not whether you get knocked down. You will. The question is, are you ready to get back up... and fight for what you believe in.
Dan Qualye
The real danger from advertising is that it helps to shatter and ultimately destroy our most precious non-material possessions: the confidence in the existence of meaningful purposes of human activity and respect for the integrity of man.
Paul Sweezy
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Doris Day
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Eden Phillpotts
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Anonymous
The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it unfriendly. It is simply indifferent.
John H. Holmes
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Edsgar Dijkstra
The utmost extent of man's knowledge, is to know that he knows nothing.
Joseph Addison (1672-1719)
The Vice Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.
Bill Vaughan
The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.
Adolf Hitler
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
Paula Poundstone
The wheel is come full circle.
William Shakespeare - King Lear
The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.
Stella Adler - Lady Stella Reading
The will to win is worthless if you don't get paid for it.
Reggie Jackson
The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations.
Benjamin Disraeli
The words walked right out of my mouth.
James Brady
The world began without man, and it will complete itself without him.
Claude Levi-Strauss
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Horace
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
The worst thing about new books is that they keep us from reading the old ones.
Joseph Joubert
The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation.
Pearl S. Buck
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
Heisenberg
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.
Georges Pompidou
There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live i
Fortune
There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.
Peter De Vries
There are trivial truths, and there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.
Niels Bohr
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Anonymous
There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats.
Albert Schweitzer
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.
Francois de La Rouchefoucald , Duc de La Rouchefoucald
There are, of course, several things in Ontario that are more dangerous than wolves. For instance, the step-ladder.
J. W. Curran
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
Fred Hoyle
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Sigfried Hulzer
There is a melancholy that stems from greatness.
Chamfort
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Gandhi
There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it.
Niven's Law # 16
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.
Michel de Montaigne
There is no good arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat.
James Russell Lowell
There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
Helen Keller
There is no problem so complex that it cannot simply be blamed on the pilot.
Earl Wiener , Human Factors Society President
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
There is no substitute for hard work.
Thomas Edison
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy.
Swift
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order to things.
N. Machiavelli
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
There is nothing more uncommon than common sense
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
There is nothing permanent except change.
Heraclitus
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Bill Wulf
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
There might be some credit in being jolly.
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
There never was night that had no morn.
Dinah Mulock Craik
There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.
Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
There were so many stories around, it was almost inevitable some of them would turn out to be true.
Nigel Evans , Majesty magazine editor, explaining a string of accurate stories about the royal family in the London tabloids
There, that is our secret: go to sleep! You will wake, and remember, and understand.
Elizabeth Barret Browning
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.
John Erskine
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Bill Watterson - Calvin and Hobbes
There's no fool like an old fool -- you can't beat experience.
Jacob Braude
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
Billy Joel
There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.
Robert L. Stanfield
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
Alfred Hitchcock
These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.
Jeff Greenfield , news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995
They say a reasonable amount o' fleas is good for a dog--keeps him from broodin' over bein' a bog, mebbe.
Edward Noyes Westcott
They say miracles are past.
William Shakespeare - All's Well that Ends Well
They talk most who have the least to say.
Mathew Prior
They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
Billie Holliday
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes.
Anonymous
They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Edgar Allen Poe - Eleonora
They've got us surrounded again... the poor bastards!
Creighton W. Abrams, General
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Think, or be damned.
Bryan Penton
Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.
Jean Rostand
This is the very coinage of your brain.
William Shakespeare - Hamlet
This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
This is very true: For my words are my own, and my actions are my ministers.
Charles II
This isn't right, this isn't even wrong.
Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958) , upon reading a young physicist's paper
This secret spoke Life herself unto me: "Behold," said she, "I am that which must ever surpass itself."
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
This very moment is a seed from which the flowers of tomorrow's happiness grow.
Margaret Lindsey
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Those who attain to any excellence commonly spend life in some single pursuit, for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.
Samuel Johnson
There are no signposts in the sky to show a man has passed that way before. There are no channels marked. The flier breaks each second into new uncharted seas.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science.
Louis Pasteur
There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them.
Emile Chartier
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.
Hodding Carter
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
Jim Morrison , singer of The DoorsTime is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Anonymous
Time is the great legalizer, even in the field of morals.
Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
Time passes irrevocably.
Virgil
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
Lane Olinghouse
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
Alex Hamilton
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Jon Lithgow
Time wounds all heels.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
John Lennon
Tip the world on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
To be loved, be lovable.
Ovid
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
To decide, to be at the level of choice, is to take responsibility for your life and to be in control of your life.
Abbie M. Dale
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
To err is human, to forgive, divine.
Alexander Pope
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Orben - Current Comedy
To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.
Francis Crawford
To finish a work? To finish a picture? What nonsense! To finish it means to be through with it, to kill it, to rid it of its soul, to give it its final blow, the coup de Grace for the painter as well as for the picture.
Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
To hold a pen is to be at war.
Voltaire (1694-1778)
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
Anonymous
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Charles William Stubbs
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
To those who think that the law of gravity interferes with their freedom, there is nothing to say.
Lionel Tiger
Toleration and liberty are the foundations of a great republic
Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death.
James F. Byrnes
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Mae West (1892-1980)
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Treat a work of art like a prince. Let it speak to you first.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
True friendship is never serene.
Marie de Rabutin-Chantal
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.
Benjamin Spock, Dr. , American pediatrician, address to new parents
Truth in science can be defined as the working hypothesis best suited to open the way to the next better one.
Konrad Lorenz
Truth is generally the best vindication against slander.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Truth sits upon the lips of dying men.
Matthew Arnold
Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.
Charles Schultz
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts.
Serge Gainsbourg
Understanding is a kind of ecstasy.
Carl Sagan
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
William Shakespeare - Henry IV Part I
Value your words. Each one may be the last.
Stanislaw J. Lec
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) , Chessmaster
Viewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!
Anonymous
Virtuous and vicious every man must be, few in the extreme, but all in the degree.
Alexander Pope
Visions of glory, spare my aching sight...
Thomas Gray
Voters quickly forget what a man says.
Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994) , Former U.S. President
Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.
Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
We all are worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
We all know how stupid the average person is. Now realize that, by definition, fifty percent of the population is dumber than that.
Ivan Stang
We always love those who admire us, but we do not always love those whom we admire.
Francois de La Rouchefoucald , Duc de La Rouchefoucald
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
We are dancing on a volcano.
Comte De Salvandy
We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted.
H. R. Haldeman , testifying in his own defense
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't hittin'.
Casey Stengel
We are more important than the Catholic religion.
Juan Antonio Samaranch , International Olympic Committee president, on the significance of the Games
We are no more than candles burning in the wind.
Japanese Proverb
We are not abandoning our convictions, our philosophy or traditions, nor do we urge anyone to abandon theirs.
Mikhail Gorbachev
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Douglas MacArthur, General (1880-1964)
We are wiser than we know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
We boil at different degrees.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
We can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough.
Helen Keller
We can take an aircraft clear to the battlefield without bending tin.
Warren E. Richeson , MDHC Simulation Lab Manager
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
We compound our suffering by victimizing each other.
Athol Fugard
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
Francois de La Rouchefoucald , Duc de La Rouchefoucald
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Vince Lombardi
We dissect nature along lines laid down by our native language. Language is not simply a reporting device for experience but a defining framework for it.
Benjamin Whorf
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
We have had an Imperial lesson; it may make us an Empire yet!
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
We have the power to make this the best generation of mankind in the history of the world or to make it the last.
John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.
Blaise Pascal - Thoughts, Chap. x. 1., Translated by O. W. Wight
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can.
Cullen Hightower
We must laugh before we are happy, for fear we die before we laugh at all.
Jean de La Bruyere
We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing.
Seneca (3 B.C. - 65 A.D.)
We only part to meet again.
John Gay
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.
John Webster
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
Nick Faldo
We who are about to die, are going to take one hell of a lot of the bastards with us.
Joel Rosenberg - The Silver Crown
We will either find a way or make one.
Hannibal
We will hang you, never fear, most politely, most politely.
W. S. Gilbert, Sir
Weakness of character is the only defect that cannot be amended.
Francois de La Rouchefoucald , Duc de La Rouchefoucald
Weaseling out of things is good. It's what separates us from the other animals....except weasels.
Homer Simpson , character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Martin Fraquhar Tupper
We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.
Andrew A. Rooney
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Jason Kidd , upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
Tom Robbins
We've eliminated what is undesirable and kept what is good.
James Chu , Computer scientist, whose China Internet Corp. is building an "intranet" that limits access to non-Chinese parts of the Net
What do you take me for, an idiot?
Charles de Gaulle, General (1890-1970) , when a journalist asked him if he was happy
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
Anonymous
What have they done to you my poor child?
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
What if it was cats who invented technology... would they have TV shows starring rubber squeak toys?
Douglas Coupland
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen (1935- )
What is history but a fable agreed upon?
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
Crowfoot , Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890
What is moral is what you feel good after.
Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan.
Anonymous
What is now proved was once only imagined.
William Blake
What is the use of a book", thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
Lewis Carroll
What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Anonymous
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
Raymond Aron - The Opium of the Intellectuals
What price Glory?
Maxwell Anderson
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin
What the Caterpiller calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly.
Richard Bach - Illusions
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens.
Benjamin Disraeli
What we call "morals" is simply blind obedience to words of command.
Havelock Ellis
What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?
Robert Schuller
What you don't know would make a great book.
Sydney Smith
What! All this for a song?
William Cecil - Lord Burleigh
Whatever one man is capable of conceiving, other men will be able to achieve.
Jules Verne
Whatever you are from nature, keep to it; never desert your own line of talent. Be what nature intended you for, and you will succeed; be anything else, and you will be ten thousands times worse than nothing.
Sydney Smith
Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you really want something, try to want it a little less.
Joel Rosenberg - The Sleeping Dragon
What broke in a man when he could bring himself to kill another?
Alan Paton
What can you say about a society that says that god is dead and Elvis is alive?
Irv Kupcinet
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Dwight D. EisenhowerWhen angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them.H. V. Prochnow
 
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.Mae West (1892-1980)
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.
Peter DeVries
When I don't take a decision, it's not that I don't think about it. I think about it and take a decision not to take a decision.
P. V. Narasimha Rao , Outgoing Indian Prime Minister, defending his reputation for indecisiveness
When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994) , Former U.S. President, while still young on Teapot Dome scandal
When I investigate and when I discover that the forces of the heavens and the planets are within ourselves, then truly I seem to be living among the gods.
Leon Battista Alberti
When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people.
Seneca (3 B.C. - 65 A.D.)
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So I did ten times more work.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Richard Buckminster Fuller



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