Happiness takes wings, grief stays -By Rajesh Singh

Happiness takes wings, grief stays

By Rajesh Singh
Op-Ed
The Pioneer
Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Human relationships are strange. The stronger they get the more
fragile they become. Then they snap, leaving behind a trail of
emotional distress. But the painful truth is that grief visits a
person who is genuinely committed to a relationship, not one who is
in it for the sake of yet another exploration

Noted author and commentator Arun Shourie has struck an emotive chord
with his readers through his latest book, Does He Know A Mother's
Heart? Only the most insensitive will remain unmoved as he narrates
the anguish he and his family have gone through in bringing up a
special child. But that alone would have perhaps not been so
spectacular. What is revealed is the deep human bonding that he
developed with the boy -- now 34 years of age -- in the process, the
pleasures that the challenged son gave to the entire family, in a
manner that otherwise 'normal' grown-ups do not have either the
capacity or the inclination to offer. It's a unique relationship that
Mr Shourie presents before the world. It's a bond of pure, selfless,
almost divine love.

Unfortunately, not all ties are that secure. Nor are they easy to
decipher, since there are grey elements in nearly all of them. In
fact, human relationships are strange. There is a flip side to them.
Often, the stronger they get the more fragile they become. Then they
snap, leaving behind a trail of emotional distraught.

Authors and psychologists have been for ages trying to understand the
mysteries of the phenomenon, and expressing it in their ways. The
general understanding is that the more complex a relationship the
deeper are the fault lines. But even relatively simpler ones, such as
those of friendship -- even if they are very close they carry fewer
burdens as compared to love affairs -- are prone to break-ups. The
immediate consequences are no less disastrous, and the one who
suffers the most is the person who has invested emotionally the most
in that relationship.

The American poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, who wrote through the second
half of the 19th century and early 20th century and became
universally popular through her lines, "Laugh and the world laughs
with you/Weep, and you weep alone", hit the nail on the head when she
pointed out that as humans we tend to hurt people who like us the
most. She reflected:

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west --
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

The Internet is full of advice on how to manage relationship
disasters (just as it tells us the ways to cultivate a relationship).
The 'rational approach', the Net educates us, should be to categorise
the broken bond. Was it a toxic relationship that deserved to end? Or
was it worthwhile to sustain? Social pundits tell us that, whatever
the nature a break can often be refreshing to the heart and soul. At
the very least, it provides an occasion to the players to re-assess
the alliance objectively. It could, they point out, lead to the re-
establishment of the ties or a more elaborate distancing. Robert
Brault is a popular name on the Net who offers nuggets of
encouragement on the subject. He philosophises:

Sometimes two people need to step apart
and make a space between
that each might see the other anew,
in a glance across a room
or silhouetted against the moon.

If we ignore the romanticism in the poetry, it is possible to see the
wisdom in the suggestion. However, emotions cannot be clinically
controlled. How natural it would be for two people, until very
recently close friends, to encounter each other as strangers in a
room? Can one indulge in an objective assessment of the other after
having provided that 'space', in such an unreal situation? Had this
to be the way of the world, relationships would be without emotions,
dry and robotic. The desire to seek space is but a lame explanation
for the break-up, because any sort of meaningful human relationship
inherently creates an individual space for each partner, while at the
same time construing a common ground that binds two people.

On a recent television talk show hosted by Simi Garewal, well known
film star Deepika Padukone spoke of the anguish she went through
following her break-up. Her observations made more sense than the
reams of advice experts provide, often at a price. Analysing the
reason(s) that led to the turmoil, she admitted to rather too easily
getting emotionally attached to people. That fault, she said,
contributed in a large way to her psychological disarray soon after
the split. But it was the other remark that she made, that she gave
"100 per cent" to the relationship, which was at the core of her
grief. People who remain frivolous in relationships -- even though
they claim to be serious -- are the least affected. Those who give
that 100 per cent, end up as the foolish ones.

While Deepika has managed well, eventually overcoming the crisis, a
study quoted on the Internet tells us that men are less-well equipped
to cope with such trauma. According to the findings of a research
team of sociologists from the Wake Forest University and the Florida
State University, men draw inwards and drift into loneliness when hit
by a failed relationship, while the affected women seek comfort in
the company of friends and family.

Author Jan Yager in his book 'When Friendship Turns Unfriendly'
dwells at length on the 'negative' and the 'positive' of the
relationship. He writes, "Too little attention has been paid to the
notion that negative friendships can wreak havoc. Another reason (for
writing the book) is to have a forum to explore the possible causes
of finding yourself in such a relationship, and how to best rid
yourself of a noxious friend." A noxious friend is one who, among
other things, does not respect you as a person, always tests your
self-esteem and generally remains unconcerned with your
insensitivities. Of course, it is quite possible that the person you
consider as 'noxious', is not really so but a figment of your
imagination. That problem can be taken care with better communication
among the two.

However, the author is more caught up with bigger challenges, that of
finding potentially dangerous friendships. He says, "Some potentially
destructive or harmful friendships may be difficult to spot. That's
because when a friendship is forming, during the "courtship" phase,
your friend may be charming, polite, and completely appropriate. Once
your friendship is well underway, a friend may change. The very act
of becoming friends may send someone with intimacy problems into an
emotional tailspin, changing those involved as well as their
behaviour towards each other. As friends become closer and more
intimate, expectations also may arise so that disappointments become
more likely, and painful, than during the early stage of the evolving
friendship."

While it may appear fatalistic, the recognition that grief and hurt
are inalienable in any relationship can help in coping with the
crisis. The problem again is that such pain visits the person who is
genuinely committed to a relationship and not the one who is in it
for the sake of yet another exploration. A certain level of stoic, is
thus, called for. Happiness is on wings, grief lingers long/Pain
supports life, when all pleasure is gone.

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